Blast from the past holds no future for you

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I ran into my ex-wife this week and almost fell over. She looked like she did when she was in her 20s — in shape and thin, shiny black hair in a sexy cut and wearing tight black pants.

But the sight of her was spoiled by a pumped-up muscleman carrying some new lawn furniture to her truck. She just nodded at me, and faintly smiled. They kept right on going, but the guy didn’t go back into the store. He got into her truck and they took off together. He wasn’t store staff after all, and I felt jealous.

The next day I phoned an old friend of hers, knowing she would have my ex’s contact info. The friend warned me she was dating someone new. I said I knew that because I had run into them together the day before.

Big silence. Then the friend said, “Well, you’re braver than I would be, phoning her up right now. Good luck.”

Those words keep ringing in my ears. What did she mean? I haven’t made the phone call yet. I’m not that brave and don’t want a kick in the face. Help.

— Chicken Heart, Tuxedo

Dear Chicken Heart: It’s not surprising you were attracted to the same hot-looking woman you once knew, but that chapter is very much in the past, and the good times between you two only exist back then as well.

Before you waste more time lusting over your ex, ask around and get yourself more updated on her life — including the status of the new relationship.

It seems this would not be the right time for you to try to re-enter the picture, so do some serious thinking before you make any moves that will get you soundly rejected.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I want to dig up our backyard and plant a garden, and my husband doesn’t want to help me because our garage and the cement pad beside it is where he wants to work on what he hopes will be a race car. That will happen over my dead body — or maybe his if he gets behind the wheel on a track. Everybody knows he’s a terrible driver.

Besides, a big vegetable garden will help us feed our family of five kids. Please advise me on what to do with the would-be race-car driver.

— Annoyed Mom, East Kildonan

Dear Annoyed: You could both get your wish. Encourage your husband to go after his dream, but in a buddy’s yard. Make a deal that he also agrees to help with your garden planting and weeding on certain days of the week.

Also make it a family thing with your kids and give them different rows to plant that are all theirs. They’ll also enjoy taking the hose and watering everything, including each other.

By developing your yard into a big garden, you and your husband could also end up meeting more neighbours. You might share tips and trade veggies with each other and develop new friendships. It could possibly be a great summer for everybody.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My ex-husband is back living in my rural town. He always comes over to chat for a minute when he sees me at events, but I don’t want this man in my life at all.

He is still hot and that’s a big problem for me. I thought I was over him after he moved away, but now he’s being sexy and nice when we meet up, and I dream about him too often.

How can I get him out of my life? Oddly, he always seems to know exactly when I’m going to be in certain places. How can that be?

— Spooked By Ex, western Manitoba

Dear Spooked: You can’t control what your ex does and where he goes, but you can make some changes of your own. You’re giving him too much importance by being annoyed at his presence.

It is a small community, but if you find he’s deliberately following you to events, look him in the eye and say, “It feels like you’re following me. Are you? I want you to stop immediately.” That should be embarrassing enough to end it.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a young lesbian and I suspect my older girlfriend is not serious about me. I can’t say anything to her about it or I’ll lose her for sure, and I hate being alone.

I’m seriously worried now because I just heard she’s also started seeing another woman who is her own age — mid 30s. I never expected she would do that because she has always dated much younger women, like me.

I’ll admit I have been acting immature and difficult to deal with, but now I’m going to really change for good. Do you think it’s too late?

— Finally Changing, St. Boniface

Dear Finally Changing: It’s hard to change things quickly in a relationship, and once you do, it still takes a long while to prove the change is going to stick.

It’s time to look for a woman closer to your own age. Then you can relax and just be yourself and possibly have more common interests. Instead of being on edge, you could finally relax and have fun instead of always trying to measure up. Wouldn’t that be a relief?

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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