Forever avoid ex who lied about pregnancy

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I was feeling smothered by my girlfriend — she wanted to be together 24-7 and that was just too much. I told her that. Her reaction was to tell me a month later that she was pregnant.

I was trapped. That just stressed me out and made me worry about what would happen in my life if I married her. I was in hell.

Then she broke up with me. I told one of her friends at the bar, and she took pity on me. She told me that she was not supposed to tell me the secret, but my girlfriend was never really pregnant. She was faking early symptoms to put me through some hell.

I still kind of love that girlfriend, but I want out for good because she’s crazy enough that she would do anything to trap me and keep me around. Still, I dream about her. How can I get over her?

— So Worn Out, Amber Trails

Dear Worn Out: The only way you’re going to feel safe around this games player is to stay away from her. She’s dishonest with a wide manipulating streak. Plus, you only “kind of” love her. That’s not enough to make a relationship, never mind a marriage, that lasts.

Sadly, the world is full of insecure people who will stoop low to trap the person they want. Stay away from this ex-girlfriend and her friends who help with her big stories. It’s time to switch groups, totally.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: The man I married just isn’t the same anymore. He used to be such a powerful man — fit, handsome, charismatic and clean. We’ve been together for 14 years, and while we all grow and change a little, he has lost his spark. And it’s gotten worse. He rarely bathes, and when he does he doesn’t do much beyond washing his long hair.

He’s also become rude and snipes at me a lot, and in front of people, too.

My mom, who likes him, says he is obviously depressed but it feels like he’s beyond that now. It seems like he’s already left our love relationship in his heart and mind, but he is trying to force me to be the one to leave.

I need an outside perspective. Where did my wonderful husband disappear to, and why? Does he have a hidden lover?

— Miserable Wife, St. James

Dear Miserable: There is a small chance your husband may have another woman (or man) in his life, but it’s more likely he’s depressed, as he’s let himself get so unkempt he probably wouldn’t be welcomed by another partner.

It’s time to confront him: is the marriage wrong for him and he feels so trapped he’s expressing it with disrespect for himself and you through his uncleanliness? Is he hoping you’ll finally punt him, so he doesn’t have to be the bad guy in the breakup?

One phrase that might open things up is to ask in a calm manner, “Are you depressed with this relationship? Would my leaving free you up to be your happy self again? I’m willing to do that if it would help, as this is hard on me, too.”

You might hear a big sigh of relief, or your mate might tell you he’s feeling mentally and emotionally ill, and his behaviour of late has nothing to do with you. He may feel he needs professional help, but is too depressed to even go looking for help.

He might need medication and a psychiatrist’s professional help to diagnose him and treat him. Their services are paid for by Medicare, and they can prescribe medication. Psychologist’s services are not on Medicare, and they cannot prescribe meds, but many workplaces have employee plans that will pay for a certain amount of their help and counselling.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or write Miss Lonelyhearts at the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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