Ratcheting up heat can lead to cold feet

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I came home early from my family’s beautiful lake cottage with my heart broken in pieces. I’d taken my new love out there and he seemed so happy to go with me. Friends of mine at the lake helped by offering me their romantic cabin while they were away on a road trip.

After two days of bliss on the beach, walking the sandy shores at twilight, plus some great lovemaking, our trip felt absolutely magical to me. It was like the honeymoon I hope to have with him someday. I happily told my guy that over breakfast in the morning. His face fell.

He went out right away for a “long run,” and then he went again for a second one right after lunch. He didn’t come back for many hours, so I finally went down to the kiosks at the beach at 5 p.m. looking for him, asking if anyone had seen my guy.

One guy said, “Yeah, he was with your other visitor today — the red-headed girl.” I’d had no other visitor. I suddenly realized he must have met another woman at the beach, and passed her off as my friend. I just lost it!

I considered driving home without him and letting him hitchhike, but instead I went back to the cabin and started packing us both up. A short time later he came back and I had all our stuff sitting outside my vehicle. I yelled at him, “Get in the car! I know exactly what you did today.”

He said, “Fine! I’m out of here. I’m going back to see my new friend, and I’ll get a ride home with her. Let me have my clothes!” I threw his backpack at him, and I drove home an emotional mess. I still feel awful. What did I do to deserve this?

— Feeling Heartbroken, Winnipeg

Dear Heartbroken: Sadly, you fanned the flames of your new romance too hard — and they went out!

Your new relationship may have been great in the beginning for both of you. But this man seems to have started feeling smothered by your honeymoon-style behaviour at the lake, and he lost it. He reacted by jumping ship in an obvious way, and around people you knew. He was looking to be dumped.

Most new couples — like you two were — still need alone time to breathe, sleep in their own beds some nights and maintain social life with friends. If they don’t get that necessary breathing room, they can start feeling a need to escape — and the flame can burn out.

Next time you feel deeply attracted and passionate towards a man, allow time to build the relationship at a slower pace. As for planning romantic trips together that may feel like a honeymoon — save that until you actually get married.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a gay man with a wonderful partner. We have been together for a number of years and now we’re getting pressure from one side of the family to get legally married. Why? Because we can, in Canada. But we don’t feel like it just yet!

Everything is so good between us — so why rock the boat? Half the straight marriages in our lives are not great, and our relationship is so good we hesitate to take the plunge.

How should we handle these pushy people? They think they’re being so modern, plus the relatives on both sides just love to party.

The families involved don’t have a lot of money, so when we do get married, the big event will all be at our expense. Frankly, we haven’t been saving up for a wedding for two big families to enjoy. Help us push them off!

— Dragging Our Heels, St. Vital

Dear Dragging Heels: There’s no reason to shell out thousands for a wedding and reception unless you really want to. And you two don’t — at least not yet. It sounds like these relatives love you two, but they also love a big party and want to get one out of you!

Stand up to the people pushing the wedding idea. Tell them: “You will be the first to be invited to our wedding when the time comes and we decide we want to formally tie the knot. But right now, we’re very happy with the way things are.”

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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