New guy needs to slow down

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This article was published 29/01/2017 (3526 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I think I may have fallen in love over a weekend recently.

I had been dating this funny man I met online and had been kind of keeping my emotional distance when he asked me to go away with him for a little trip.

All of a sudden we took the plunge and went from friends and tentative lovers to having all of our emotional inhibitions fall away, telling our life stories and laughing until our stomachs hurt.

He has phoned me a lot since we got home and we’ve been out (and also had sex) a few times. I wish he would give me a chance to miss him enough that I would want to phone him, too. I don’t want to tell him to slow down, hurt his feelings and have him actually back off, but I need a little space to breathe. How do I say this without getting his back up? — Need Some Air, Winnipeg

Dear Need Some Air: Right now, this guy doesn’t know what you want, and he really likes you, so he’s probably over-giving to make sure you’re getting enough attention.

New relationships are a tricky dance, and nobody hands out a sketch of the steps involved, and there’s no list of tips on how to handle things with the new person. So, you just have to talk about it without frowning and saying an ominous, “We have to talk,” or looking serious. Be cheerful and conversational.

Ask him how much space and free time he usually needs. If he acts worried and asks if he is coming on too strong, tell him he isn’t, but you are just wondering about how much time he likes on his own, with his friends and how much he likes spending with a new partner.

Ask about his sports and other interests. On another date you could ask, “How do you feel about your time on the weekends? Do you need some time alone? I find I do.” In other words, dig his preferences out of him and add on your own.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband is a boring loudmouth, a dishonest rat and I don’t love him, but he’s all I’ve got.

My friends and family have all dropped off one by one because they couldn’t stand him. He inherited a lot of money and quit work years ago, so he is always at home. If I leave him, I will be poor and alone.

If I stay, I will be sad and lonely with a beautiful house to live in and money to buy food and clothes.

I am at the breaking point. I just found out the house is mortgaged to the hilt, and he has used his money to do whatever with it. I am poverty-stricken in every way, except a place to live. No love for me! I have been weak in staying with him, but I have always taken the easy route. What can you possibly suggest for me? — Lazy, Spoiled and Lonely, Tuxedo

Dear Lazy, Spoiled and Lonely: A famous Mother Teresa quote is “Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted are the most terrible poverty.” Why would you stay with a rat who keeps friends and family away just so you can have a house and not have to work?

Work can be fun and social and provide you with new friends. The smooth highway offered by this man turned into a rutted one, then into gravel, dirt and finally a swamp of despair.

Let’s look at wealth in a different way. Some great, loving friends might be worth a million each. Your family back, even more. Your values totally changed? Priceless. See a psychologist with some of your money and straighten out the way you think.

It’s time to get a job. You don’t say how old you are, but people are working full or half time to much older ages now and often enjoying it. But first, you have to clear your life by getting away from this toxic man. You may no longer have a fancy (mortgaged) house, but you might have an apartment with peace, friends, family and joy for a change.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6..

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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