Fiancé’s values,beliefs may be too different

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This article was published 08/03/2017 (3170 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m having a very hard time respecting a recent opinion from the guy I just agreed to marry. Recently, we got into a discussion involving an article I read about a police official in the U.K. suggesting pedophiles get reduced sentencing and be sent to rehab instead. I believe that pedophiles should rot in prison. If a person feels it’s OK to rape a young child, they should not be given the privilege of life outside of a jail cell. He feels, if deemed mentally fit, they should be released back into society.

I whole-heartedly disagree. No child should be walking down the street and have to see their rapist walking towards them because the justice system failed them. I was raped as a child and the person who did that to me got off without even a slap on the wrist. I see him walking around all the time. After having this conversation with my fiancé, I’m having a hard time looking at my future partner the same way. What do I do? — Worried and Confused, Manitoba.

Dear Worried and Confused: People can be different in their backgrounds and interests and get along fine, but it’s very important they have similar values. You are understandably shocked the guy you just agreed to marry has a view that you find abhorrent. And it strikes deeply because you were the victim of rape as a child. It’s time for a no-holds-barred discussion with him about this, knowing that if you don’t work it out, you may walk. This may be too important a difference in values for you to try to sweep under the rug, especially as a victim yourself.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I ate two desserts at a restaurant with my girlfriend and she looked at me and said, “This is why you are gaining so much weight, Mr. Chubs. You cram yourself with sugar and fat!” I am 15 pounds overweight, muscular with a little pot belly. I looked at her (she is the next thing to being anorexic) and said, “And you’re going to end up with rickets because all you eat every day if I don’t buy or cook you dinner is yogurt.” This woman makes more money than I do, but doesn’t buy herself any real food, not even fruit.

She stood up and said, “Did you say rickets? You got to be kidding,” and walked out of the restaurant. We are at a standoff. She won’t answer my emails or phone calls. I miss her and I’m almost sorry. — Mr. Chubs, St. Boniface

Dear Mr. Chubs: Sometimes you can say one nasty thing so insulting and repellant you can end a relationship. Both of you have slung nasty terms at each other. This is not a big enough fight to spell the end if you love each other, but if this is just a dating situation, you two may not have enough stashed in the emotional bank to continue.

It can be death to a sexual relationship if you insult each other’s bodies and make each other feel self-conscious when you’re naked. People are generally sensitive about their bodies as is and it doesn’t take much to hurt them. Some words you can’t cram back in your mouth. So, as a last-ditch effort, do the courageous thing and drop in to see this lady in person and apologize, and see where it goes. She may still throw you out, but it’s worth a try.

And by the way: you can’t get rickets from eating too much yogurt, so your snappy comeback didn’t even make sense. The predominant cause of rickets is a vitamin D deficiency. Yogurt is filled with calcium and vitamin D. She may suffer from other problems because of her diet, but rickets (a bone disorder caused by a lack of vitamin D, calcium or phosphate) is not one of them.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
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