He’s a big old maybe on a late-in-life baby

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This article was published 15/04/2017 (3429 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I love my girlfriend to distraction. She’s everything I ever hoped for, except she’s 15 years younger. I already had a wife before and two kids. She’s now with another man, but I see the children regularly (twice a week) and pay support and other expenses for extra-curricular activities, summer camps and sports.

My new girlfriend is just starting out in life at 25. She’s mature for her age and has an excellent professional career as a teacher. She doesn’t seem too young to me, but am I too old for this? I’m almost 40. We had the big talk the other day about a future and she seemed doubtful about my wanting to have more children. I said I would be willing, but my voice squeaked. It will be a big financial strain to be supporting three or four kids instead of two. I’m also a teacher. How do we work this out?

— Worried and Nervous, St. Vital

 Dear Worried and Nervous: No woman should have to pay for another person’s marriage with the loss of her own dream of children. That means you have to get on board with the whole plan, since you say you love this younger woman to distraction. Two teachers’ salaries can support this situation, but you need to work it out with the new woman ahead of time that, aside from maternity leave, you’ll both have to work.

That’s the price she pays for marrying a responsible divorced dad, already with two kids who need continuing financial support, not to mention regular time with their dad. You also need to find out ahead of time how she and your present kids relate. Too many people have found out after the second marriage that their new spouse is cold or unpleasant to the existing kids, or the kids have been coached by their mother and are unloving and mean to the stepmother.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I love being at the lake, but my new husband, who faked it during our whirlwind romance last summer, has just confessed he doesn’t really like lake life much. I felt something uncoil inside of me — something strong and vital was unwinding in my relationship. This wasn’t “Surprise! I don’t like to play bingo.” He had lied about something deeply important to me: the half a year I like to go to the lake to my family’s three-season cottage. He said he was afraid I wouldn’t marry him if he didn’t like going to the lake as much as I did. He was probably right.

So now we’re married, and guess what? I’m pregnant at 32. This isn’t a situation I can just walk away from now, but I had pictured having kids and getting him to drive back to work all summer while I’m at the lake, working from there on my computer. That was what my childhood was like. Do I have to give up the dream and hang in there, spending weekends and maybe two or three weeks at the lake and living in the hot, sweaty city most of the summer? I don’t know how much I love him now. Isn’t that awful? I just don’t know, I am so angry and let down by this man who turned out to be a liar to get me.

— Terribly Upset, River Heights

Dear Terribly Upset: Let this first summer together be a time of experimentation. Force yourself to stop pouting, adopt a positive attitude and look for a happy compromise and solutions. Without being witchy about it, you need to find out from your husband everything he doesn’t like about staying at the lake, and then look for ways to fix those things. Let me help:

1. He may not know what the whole lake area has to offer in terms of the surrounding communities and their amenities. For instance, he may miss golfing and other city activities, but there may be picturesque courses near the lake where he could make new friends along with finding other activities for you two to do.

2. He probably doesn’t want to share a cabin with your folks, brothers and sisters, so you’d need to rent one nearby for privacy, romance and autonomy. Three generations staying at a cottage has strained many relationships. It’s too close, too much and the older couple own the cottage. That’s felt by the younger couple, who may still be thought of as the kids even though they have their own little kids running around. Plus, you don’t have sexual freedom and your relationship is still in the newlywed stage. When the baby comes along, you need to have a place where you can have baby noise without waking everybody else up.

3. Your husband may not like the hot weather, so you need to have an air conditioner. 

4. He may miss his city friends, so you need to make plans to have them out regularly, a couple of people at a time.

5. If he works a lot in the summer, then he can’t stay up for long periods and drive back and forth, but you mustn’t make him feel guilty about that. You can go hang with your parents and lake friends when he’s in the city.

Your new husband doesn’t have to behave like your mom and dad did, but it’s likely he thinks that’s what you expect. Do you? Try to look ahead. Imagine how you will feel if you distance yourself and break up with this man who loves you because of trying to continue your old life pattern with your mom and dad. How good would the lake feel this summer, pregnant and stubbornly separated?

Take some time to meditate, imagining the end of the relationship, the lonely pregnancy and no father around for your little one. Surely you can work out a compromise if you love this man. Get some professional counselling around this, as it’s all-important and summer is coming quickly.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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