Going to church alone gets sinful

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 16/04/2017 (3389 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I always hate going to Easter services without my wife. She has no desire to go to mass because, as she puts it, “I’m not a freaking Catholic.” I’ve offered to go to any other church with her, but she says no. In the past I have found it quite embarrassing when people at my church have asked if I’m a widower. I say, “No, but my wife refuses to come to church with me.”

I’ve been around for awhile, and now the women of my church have adopted me because lots of them have husbands who won’t go to church with them. Lately this one lady has been sitting beside me so close I can feel her thigh up against mine. I’m not stupid. I know what she wants. I don’t tell my wife because, frankly, I’m mad at her for not coming to church with me. But now this lady is actually a problem. I feel like I have to do or say something soon. What do you suggest?

— Getting Hustled at Church, South End

Dear Getting Hustled at Church: Here’s a way to make sure you won’t be hustled again by the thigh lady or any of her friends. The minute she sits down and nudges her thigh into yours again, jump up and sit one place over so she gets the message. She may get huffy, and move pews. Good! She is at fault for trying to touch you. If she approaches you to talk about it, just say, “I am very married.” Leave it at four words. You don’t owe her any explanation.

She’s got at least one close friend at church and they will discuss your response, and she’ll tell another friend and so on. Don’t give them much to chew on.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I love my dog and so does my ex-mate. He has visiting privileges with her and takes her out for a walk at least once a week. It hurts to see him every week. I know I agreed to let him see the dog but it’s too painful and I want to back out of this agreement. She was my dog to begin with. We had no children and it was a short marriage before he started betraying me. — Can’t Take The Pain, Selkirk

Dear Can’t Take The Pain: Tell your ex the truth, even though it hurts your pride. Say that it hurts you too much to see his face at the door every week and you can’t continue sharing your dog with him. Mention that he’s the one who caused all the pain and discomfort and he’ll just have to get his own dog — perhaps even the same breed — if that will make him feel better. Then close the door and say, “That’s it. Goodbye for the last time.” It’s time to totally get on with your own life and stop sharing anything of yours with him.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m getting so fat I’m going to explode out of my pants. My wife got into cooking and baking as a hobby, and every day she has made delicious stuff for the past six or seven months and I have gone up two sizes. She doesn’t gain weight because she comes from a family of stringbeans with high metabolism. Last night I told her she had to stop and her answer was for me to just control my portions. That’s no darn help.

— Fatter and Fatter, Westwood

Dear Fatter and Fatter: You have to start making healthy meals for yourself and go out with other friends to walk, run and exercise. If you want to stay together with this cook forever and not become totally obese, you’re going to have to find a way to reduce and maintain a healthy weight.

Maybe you could entice your wife to put extra food in a freezer, or give some away to relatives, neighbours or even shelters. What she really needs is a job as a chef where she can put out volumes of fancy food for appreciative customers and bring in money for a business — maybe her own.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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