Daughter stressed about mother showing her breasts

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This article was published 22/04/2017 (3451 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My mother insists on wearing low-cut dresses with V-necklines down to her waist. It’s not a pretty sight with the push-up engineering. Her breasts look like two white buns lying on a shelf. Every time she’s reeling in a new boyfriend, out comes the slit skirts and the slashed tops, and the sexuality is in your face. The bug-eyed man she’s set her sights on doesn’t get to see the real woman we all know. How can she be so dumb? She’s actually intelligent, though she never went to university. She’s a great cook and lots of fun, but she seems to think the only thing she has to offer is her body.

I’ve tried to talk with her and she tells me she doesn’t have youth on her side anymore and cuts off the conversation. How can I tell my mother she’s making a guy think she’s a tart before he can see some of her truly beautiful attributes? I’m 24 and it feels like I’m the parent.

— Divorced Mom Problems, Transcona

Dear Divorced Mom Problems: There’s no shortage of moms worrying about their daughters displaying their sexual attributes. Clearly, you need a few lessons with the reverse problem.

1) Acting shocked doesn’t work. She’s aiming for shock value in her outfits.

2) She doesn’t want your criticism. It just encourages the rebel in her.

3) Instead, try building up your mom’s other attributes in her mind.

If you lay out some sincere compliments to do with her intelligence, cooking and other talents, and you get a surprised, “Do you really think so?” then you will know for sure she didn’t get enough praise when she was growing up to gain self-confidence. That’s where you might be able to tip the scale. Don’t lecture first and then praise, just mention your mom’s positive traits often. The better she feels about different aspects of herself the less she will lead with the sexpot moves.

If she really doesn’t get it, then you may need to make a powerful statement. You could ask her how she would feel if a guy she had just started dating greeted her at the door in a Speedo bathing suit? Then duck. Be prepared for a blast. You may still have made your point after she thinks about it.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My partner seems to think being retired doesn’t require personal grooming. She wears the same clothes for weeks on end and only showers every week or two. She does not wear deodorant and is oblivious to the fact she does not look or smell clean. She resents any suggestion to the contrary.

— Baffled, Winnipeg

Dear Baffled: These are clear signs of depression. Retirement is obviously not agreeing with your partner. Encourage her to go back to work, at least part-time, as she is sliding down a slippery slope. Her body is expressing her inner thoughts and feelings. She may be hearing subconscious whispers such as, “You are no longer somebody in the world. It doesn’t matter what you look like; you’re not going anywhere, anyway.”

It’s not about rejecting you; it’s about reacting to her new self-image and lack of constructive work to do. Is there some way she can work at something related to her previous career, either part-time or full-time? Some people are not made to be retired. They’re unhappy living without structured days, real purpose, accountability and work mates. They don’t even like volunteering because it feels like filling time to them, not real work. Approach her with this statement, said in a loving tone: “You seem depressed. Are you missing work? If you want to work again, I would be fine with that.”

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My father could have been a nice dad to me, but he chose to ignore me and spend all his time, money and love on the two children from his first marriage. I guess he felt guilty. Besides, they are boys and he could take them to games and stuff. I’m a girl so he left me with my mother, his second wife.

I’m not sure if she wanted to get married, but he got her pregnant. I’ve heard him say, “There’s no way in hell I want a second divorce, which would mean I’d have to work until I’m 90.” I just kept my mouth shut and felt left out.

They still ended up separating last winter, and now he has weekly visitation with me. He takes me out for something to eat and tries to talk to me, although he has no interest in what I have to say. I don’t know whether to tell Mom that visitation isn’t working and to forget it, or what else to do.

— Awkward and Unwanted, Wolseley

Dear Awkward and Unwanted: Don’t cut visitation off completely. Instead of once a week, cut it back to once every two weeks and make a list of specific activities to do together that you would like. And, maybe there are some things he could teach you that he enjoys — video games, sports, building things, etc. You could go bike riding together, go to concerts and see movies you both like. You may gradually grow closer through this. Cutting him off completely would feel like amputation, so don’t do that. Speak to your school guidance counsellor about it. They will have additional ideas for you since this is a problem they see frequently.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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