Taking violent boyfriend back a mistake

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This article was published 28/04/2017 (3324 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My boyfriend hit me once and I let him come crawling back after eight months of begging for my forgiveness. He didn’t hit me again until Easter Sunday when he woke up with a hangover and I lectured him about his drinking.

I kicked him out and he is begging to come back again. Now he knows the answer is no, he’s just asking nicely for his belongings, which are out on the lawn.

He says he’s coming today with friends and a truck. This time he’s not getting back in the door — I’ve changed the locks and won’t be there with my kids.

My family and my kids see the bruises and they are horrified. What I want to know is why did I let him back before? How do I keep him away for good when he’s calling and crying all the time? — Wounded and Worrying, St. James

Dear Wounded and Worrying: Once you truly make up your mind, it’s not so difficult to keep him away. Are you wavering? What does it take: a permanently disfigured face, eye damage, brain damage, a broken arm, losing children because they shouldn’t live with you and your choice of men?

Hitting a woman is part of this guy’s repertoire of acceptable behaviours. Since you took him back the first time, he thought he could get away with it a second time. If you don’t care about yourself, at least stay away from such a man so your kids don’t learn it’s OK for a man to beat a woman.

Now, let’s talk about your personal Game of Life. Do you have any solid rules? It’s time you got this one: if someone ever even attempts to be violent with you, call 911 and make sure that violent person is out of your life, and the lives of your children, for good.

You don’t give second chances to violent people. This guy didn’t come crawling back to you because he was a changed man. He wasn’t. He came back begging because that was the only way to break down your defences. When he got back in, it was a coup. It’s not surprising he did it again.

In years of counselling couples face-to-face, I found the biggest weepers were the violent men. Nobody could run the tears as fast as those guys and they were full of “I love you,” and “I can’t live without you,” for the women they had abused. What a show! But some of those women had never had a guy cry over them before and were deeply touched, thinking, “Nobody has ever loved me this much before.”

And, they weren’t always crocodile tears from the men. Some of them really were sorry, but after a honeymoon period, where they treated the woman like gold, they went on to lose control and beat them again.

So here’s the deal: once you know a person you’re dating has been violent in the past or believes it’s OK to hit the other other person “if they deserve it,” move on, because you will be next on the list.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’d like to give my man an engagement ring in May and get married in June. He loves surprises, but I’m not sure if it’s OK to surprise a guy with a big diamond ring.

We are a gay couple and have lived together for several years and are very committed to each other. — Spotted the Ring! Downtown

Dear Spotted the Ring: There’s nothing worse than getting an engagement ring you have to pretend you like for the rest of your life. Go shopping and pick a winner together. At least you’ll learn what your partner likes and doesn’t like.

But do talk about the basic engagement ring idea first. You might find out he just wants one ring exchanged at the wedding ceremony, not two rings which can be cumbersome.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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