Marrying co-worker’s ex so soon a mistake

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 16/06/2017 (3332 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I met a man who works at the same company as I do, but on the opposite side of the building. We started dating last summer. I found out he had been seeing another woman in the office the winter before. He said it was not a relationship, but they had been hanging out. That means they were being intimate. It turns out, he broke it off with her weeks before starting to date me. I think there was more to it because she was very upset and didn’t come to work for a week.

He told me he doesn’t deal with her anymore. She approached me a couple of times to assure me she didn’t want anything to be awkward between us. I told her it wouldn’t be because what they had together happened before me.

Well, I keep hearing office gossip that this woman is still feeling hurt. She and my boyfriend even got into an argument at work and she was written up. I overheard her on the phone in a bathroom stall telling her mother he treats her with disrespect and doesn’t consider her feelings.

Well fast forward, he has proposed to me and I said yes! She has since left him two very vulgar, ugly voice mails. He keeps reassuring me she’s just jealous. They even moved her desk at work. Only a few people have congratulated us on our engagement. I think they feel he was not genuine in this proposal. Should I be concerned about how he treated this other woman? Should I give the ring back?

— Very Conflicted and Confused, Manitoba

Dear Very Conflicted and Confused: Giving the ring back is a permanent move, as it will be a public kick in the face at your workplace. But since it’s only been about a year, and there’s been so much trouble, you two both need a long chunk of time before anything like marriage. Either break up or plan for a destination wedding out of the country in 18 months or so. Tell the nosy folks at work you need time to save up money. Then either of you can back out of this marriage at some point before then without heavy financial penalties for a local wedding.

Now, for the lecture: what were you thinking getting engaged at this point with so much trouble happening? It would be best if you weren’t engaged at all, but that ship has sailed. His old honey, still in the office, shouldn’t know your business, so don’t share your romantic information with office pals. They will likely tell a friend of a friend, which will boomerang right back to her.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I heard a noise around 3 a.m. at the sliding doors in my bedroom and the outdoor security light came on. I was scared to look out, but I heard a car drive away and it had a tell-tale noise: it was my daughter’s old car. We have been estranged.

I phoned her at noon the next day and asked her if she had been at my door in the middle of the night and she said, “Yes, but I knew as soon as I went there, you wouldn’t let me in if I banged on the door. I was being chased by a, er, bad guy.” I asked if that was true and she said it wasn’t. 

Then I asked what she wanted and she said it was too late now and hung up. I think she probably needed money for drugs and got the money elsewhere, somehow, at 3 a.m. I love her, but God forgive me, she’s a trial. I don’t know what to do.

Should I get involved with her or not? Our family has some money, but not for drugs.

— Druggie Daughter’s Momma, Tuxedo

Dear Druggie Daughter’s Momma: Withdrawal sickness will outstrip pride. I agree, she may have been needing drugs so badly she came to you in the night for money. She was scared away by the security lights.

Your best bet now is to be prepared. Find a treatment centre for her and then tell her you’ll gladly pay for it when she decides she wants to go. Tell her you love her, but you can’t give her money for drugs because it would make you feel more scared than you already are.

So get busy researching a rehab facility with a good reputation and talk to the people there — and make this deal a reality before you tell her about it. Who knows: she may take you up on it one of these days and straighten out. For now, you just have to hope.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

   Read full biography