There are too many lovers in this marriage

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This article was published 29/06/2017 (3384 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I found a letter in my husband’s pocket from a woman who referred to an ongoing affair with him and her heartbreak over the fact he was dropping her to try one more time with me because he realizes he’s still in love with me.

That would be fine, but I already have another relationship going on, which is why I got so cold towards him he had to find someone else to make love with him. I’m deeply in love with my other man and will not be making things right with my husband. How do I tell him?

— Just As Bad As Him, Winnipeg

Dear Just as Bad As Him: Since you’re both living a lie, why not confess your affair and set him free? You’re no longer in love with him and somebody else has taken his place in your heart. He needs to know that so he can find someone else — possibly this woman who wrote the letter, if she’s free. Did she mention if she’s married too? What’s needed now for both of you is to get untangled and apart for good. You are both lying and running around. It’s time to stop this merry-go-round and live authentic lives in authentic relationships.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife overreacts to everything and my life is a mess. She took over paying the bills for our family a year ago and and now she’s gotten us in big financial trouble and I’m really mad.

I took the books back a few weeks ago and started going through them, and we are in bad trouble with creditors and credit cards. I started yelling at her, then she started screaming at me and then the neighbours came over and threatened to call the police. She played her last card then, which was to move out of our bedroom to sleep with our daughter.

I actually begged her to come back to our bed and she said after what I said to her she wouldn’t come back to that “hell hole” with me. That’s what she called the bedroom we have shared for 13 years, many of them really good.

I finally packed two suitcases and left to stay at the lake. She says hell will freeze over before she comes out to the lake this year. I told her that was fine with me — I would commute to work and also see a lawyer. I did!

I really love this woman and in my heart of hearts, I don’t blame her for not wanting to sleep with me. I called her some terrible, filthy names I heard my father call my mother. She never left him.

My daughter phoned me today crying and I couldn’t understand a word she was saying. I phoned her mother to ask what she was saying and she just hung up. I am still going into work from the lake, but I feel like hell. What should I do? I called our minister to talk to him about this.

— Living in Hell, Manitoba

Dear Living in Hell: Call your church counsellor and tell him or her the whole truth and the words you said. Call your wife and tell her you’re going to counselling for your temper and you’re terribly sorry for the words you said, you love her very much, you’ve learned your lesson and you are changing. Then keep going to the counsellor and try to work things out yourself.

There’s no point asking your wife back if you still have the temper and vocabulary to be verbally abusive with her. You may think it’s just words in the heat of the moment, but the person you direct them to remembers everything you may already have forgotten. If your wife will go to one session with you, take it. One session could lead to more and that’s your best hope. As for handling the books, why did you give them to her? Are you poor at handling money, too? Could an accountant work with you on straightening this out, or is it way past that?

And call your daughter back and tell her none of this is her fault and you’re trying to change yourself and work it out.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave.,Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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