Time to get to bottom of why sister hates you

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 30/06/2017 (3370 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have never had a real relationship with my sister and we are elderly now and retired. We grew up in a poor home and our parents were horrible drinkers, which led to all that goes with it. We seemed to be close when we were young, but after the age of 14, it seemed to all change. Later, she got married and had a baby, and I moved to another town.

Our parents died years ago. I cannot understand why my sister hates me so much. She has made that extremely clear for more than 40 years. Her husband and her kids never got the chance to know me, my husband or my kids.

Last winter I did reach out to her, I won’t say how, but she would have known it was me. It was a kind, heartfelt thing, yet I never heard a word from her.

I would really like to know what I ever did to her. It must have been something extremely horrible, but what? What else can I do if she refuses to think of me as a living person?

— Such a Waste, Manitoba

Dear Such a Waste: If you did nothing bad to your sister, I can’t help but wonder if someone said something to her — a terrible lie, for instance. Or what could have happened to her at 14 when she was just becoming a woman? Was there sexual abuse in the home, along with the drinking you speak of “and all that goes with it.” Was she older? Could your sister have been abused, and you were spared? What could have engendered this life-long resentment?

If she won’t speak of it, one can only guess. But others might know. You can try writing her a letter and asking her what you did that hurt her and ask if anything happened during your childhood that she thinks you know about. Ask her if anyone told her lies about you or lied about something you supposedly said. 

Also consider this: maybe there actually wasn’t anything bad you did, but you were blamed by your sister or other people.

If you can’t get anywhere with your sibling, go see your other relatives. Were there other brothers or sisters who may be carrying the secret of her hatred for you? Could you go talk to them in person? If they are trying to close the door fast, leave your phone number and email, so they can call, if and when they’ve reconsidered and want to talk to you.

If your sister absolutely won’t talk to you, and you have nothing to lose, you might also try to contact her husband and see if he knows. Who knows — maybe her husband was in love with you first, and admitted it to her when she was a teenager, and pregnant. Who was the father of her baby? Was it actually him? There is so much here to find out, and since you are obsessed with this, it’s time to go all out now to solve this mystery.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Recently my luck with men has been abysmal. I’ve had them steal from me, lie and attempt forced groping. The man I’ve spent years trusting accidentally blurted out that he can’t go on a trip with me because he’s taking his girlfriend on a trip to Europe. I suddenly found out that I’m not only the other woman, but I’m merely a friend with benefits.

I know there are good men out there who treat their partner and friends with respect, so I can’t give up on finding the right one. I just need to know how to do this. I’m not young, but still have a lot to offer, and I have no baggage. Since my husband passed away years ago, I haven’t put any real effort into pursuing a permanent relationship, and it’s obvious I’ve been merely drifting along.

I did take your previous advice and joined Adventures for Successful Singles, which was a positive experience and I met some really nice people, but I wasn’t quite ready for a romantic connection. I believe I am now ready to be more proactive in pursuing a relationship, but I really don’t know how to use online dating services, or even what the rules are. Can you help? — Starting Fresh Again, Winnipeg

Dear Starting Fresh Again: You’re at the point where you should check out YouTube videos done by online dating coaches, such as Evan Marc Katz whose interest (and business) is helping grown women find real love and marriage online. He has the male perspective after dabbling in online dating for 10 years, then getting serious about finding love.

Check out his background at evanmarckatz.com, then consider getting on his mailing list with new lessons weekly, then getting an expert on e-cyrano.com to write you a different kind of profile that attracts a lot more of the kind of men that would suit you.

For meeting real live people, consider giving Adventures for Successful Singles another shot, with a view to actually dating men this time.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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