Act strong to gain balance with dominant wife

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This article was published 13/10/2017 (2935 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I never know who’s on top when I walk in the door. The power shifts back and forth between my wife and I about every month. Sometimes I’m the boss of this relationship and sometimes she’s the boss. Lots of duelling going on. There is never an equal feeling, never a “two of us against the world.” It’s always two of us against each other.

A kinky woman friend at work suggested something radical to me that kind of blew me away. She said, “Why don’t you make a deal with her? Since you crave a balance and you can’t both be on the top at the same time, how about this? During the periods when she is subordinate to you at home and in your daily life, she gets to be the dominant one in the bedroom those nights. When things shift then you become the submissive by day and the dominant guy by night.”

When I told this to my wife, she laughed loud and long. So much for that idea. But she was unusually quiet the next few days. Then she said, “OK, we’ll try your idea. I’ve been thinking and it could be fun.” Off to the sex shop she went for some new gear.

So now we’re trying it, but how come it’s never time for me to be the dominant one in the bedroom? She’ll do anything I say around the house just so she can give me the gears in the bedroom at night. What has happened here?

— Always The Bottom, Crescentwood

Dear Bottom: The two of you have always been competitive and are both aspiring dominants. One problem: Nobody competes for the bottom in sex play, except a true submissive. Your wife — the natural actress — quickly fell in love with her role as the dominant one in the bedroom, and was willing to play along with the piece-of-cake submissive role in the household, just to be queen of the night, every night. She isn’t going to willingly hand over that role; you must usurp it.

Trick here: one night very soon, your wife should come home to find you clearly in the role of serving her — bubble bath, dinner cooking, and later that night you step into the dominant role — just take the reins. She knows the deal you made, and that this may be coming.

Whining about not getting your turn is not helpful behaviour. Act strong and capable. You may have to fake it till you make it, but costuming will help a lot. Lucky for you, Halloween is in the air and a pirate’s costume would be easy to find, for starters. While you’re there, check out the full range of heroes and anti-heroes — and invest in your sexy future.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: It is the middle of October and already I am living in a fright house. My wife loves Halloween and she’s crazy about decorating. I’m sick and tired of walking through cobwebs strung up in the arches and told her so. Last night she pushed me away again when I tried to kiss her. She’s mad at me for spoiling her Hallo­­ween fun. Really? I told her to “get a grip” and she told me to “get a grip on myself.” She meant that literally, and now I am feeling the cold wrath of a true witch.

She can be awful. Just because I dared to call out her childish overreaction to Halloween in her 30s she is freezing me out. Nothing is going on in our bedroom except her cold, hard back turned to me. And now she’s ripped the cobwebs down in the living room, and I know this means serious trouble coming. I don’t know what to do now.

— Big Dumb Husband, Fort Richmond

Dear Big Dumb Husband: What if she yanked the TV cord out when you were watching your favourite sports finals that only happen once a year? That’s how she feels. Here’s what you do: go buy a bunch more cobwebs and put them back up yourself and add a few bigger Halloween things for the lawn. Be a sorry guy who gets it, not a sarcastic guy who doesn’t, and you may start getting it again.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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