Questions swirl after being dumped by convict

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This article was published 06/11/2017 (2900 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My boyfriend is in jail and has just let me know he thinks I should be free to date other people. How suspiciously nice of him. Why would he want me to do that? Does he have another woman in his life since he’s gone away? What should I do? I don’t want anybody else, and told him that.

— Puzzled On the Outside, Winnipeg

Dear Puzzled On the Outside: Ask him outright if he has someone else and if she is visiting him. Or is he just trying to be fair to you and give you freedom to have friendships, sex and romance that he can’t give you right now? It’s not enough to say you don’t want your freedom. You need to insist on the whole story, and then you have to respect what he wants, too. Even if a man’s in jail, he still has the right to break off a relationship.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My father was a violent drunk and disowned me when I started to drink as much as he did. That was the same night I knocked him out when he was trying to beat me. I punched him hard and he fell down. I was terrified he had died, but he was just passed out. My mother told me to pack my clothes and get away, fast. So, I hitchhiked to Vancouver and lived a wild life there. I slipped into my father’s shoes, which resulted in the end of my first marriage. Then I got sober. I haven’t remarried as I still don’t feel confident enough to marry and know how to be a good husband or good father.

Then, along came this woman I’ll call Beth. She was everything I dreamed of in a woman, but when it got to the point of making a commitment to marry, I was lost. I was scared I would turn back into my father, even though I was sober. She swore she loved me and would stand by me. I said I couldn’t take that chance with her safety.

She was a lovely woman with options in her life and I encouraged her to move on. I moved back to Winnipeg, where I made new friends away from the old neighbourhood. Beth married another guy last summer in Vancouver, and I am sad about that. I don’t know what to do with myself. I have a good job, good guys for friends and most are happily married. I even have a house in a new-ish area.

Most people don’t know about my past, but in my heart I am lonely and don’t think I can trust myself to be a husband and father, which is something Beth made me think about and desire to be. Where do I go from here?

— Lost Forever? Winnipeg

Dear Lost Forever: You’re right. It’s not enough to just be sober, you need to learn a new lifestyle. Look at it as a challenge that you can meet. You’re not doomed to live alone with no wife and children, but you do need to learn and practise new ways.

The good news is you already know how to attract and pick a good woman, you’re sober and you have work and a certain lifestyle. Personal things like being a good husband and father can be learned. While most single men don’t like to spend too much time around family men, that’s exactly what you need to do.

Surprise a few happily married friends by asking if you can come along on family events and help out. (Married guys often think their single friends find such things boring.) Watch how the guy treats his wife and kids, watch what things they do together how they split the family work, what activities and family rituals they have. Pay particular attention when differences arise between the husband and wife and between parents and the kids. Also notice how the kids settle things themselves.

Hit the library for books on the subject of love, marriage and children. Most people new to family life follow their parents’ examples, or just try to muddle through. You can do better than that.

When you do find a new lady you want to marry, be sure to take pre-marriage classes. You’ll discuss different styles of marriage, money handling, making family budgets, having children, showing affection, reasonable discipline, solving everyday problems and fair-fighting methods for couples. You might want to research books used for these classes, too.

Choose a woman who doesn’t enjoy drinking and eliminate the temptation of having a liquor cabinet in the house.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My new girlfriend thinks she’s funny looking because her eye colours are different. I think she looks fantastic, unique and better than the ordinary, but she wears sunglasses when we’re out in public, way too much of the time. She says people stare, and sometimes she can even see them whispering and pointing. She only allows people who are close to her to see her unusual eyes. I would like her to show them off, and keep bugging her to do it, but she says she isn’t ready for that. How can I help her?

— Love Her Eyes, Winnipeg

Dear Love Her Eyes: Get off her case and simply love her. You don’t know what it’s like to be in her shoes, no matter how many questions you ask. What you think she should feel on this issue is simply not how she feels. Rather than deal with the eye thing when she meets a group of strangers, she eliminates the problem. You might treat the revelation of her beautiful different-coloured eyes to you in private as an intimacy thing, a privilege, a special thing about her that you get to enjoy.

Do you know what it feels like to have something different about your appearance that becomes the immediate focus of attention? If your new lady can slip on a pair of glasses and eliminate this nonsense, don’t interfere.

If you put too much pressure on her, you won’t be her boyfriend for too much longer.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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