Turn down invitation to ex-girlfriend’s wedding

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This article was published 19/11/2017 (3170 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I just got an invitation to the wedding of my high-school girlfriend. That’s the last wedding I want to see! She dumped me. She broke my heart four years ago, and I don’t want to see her in her big, white wedding dress, marrying the geek she dumped me for.

I know it’s a slap in the face to refuse somebody’s wedding invitation, especially when the wedding is going to be small and my parents are invited (she was like a daughter to them). It’s not that I want her back, I just don’t want to be made to watch this happy event when I used to think it was going to be me at the church with her.

We were deeply in love and made wedding plans as teenagers, and talked about having kids and even had names for them, but she found somebody she liked better in the first semester at university. Tell me how to refuse her fancy invitation.

— Second Best, Winnipeg

Dear Second Best: Respond to the invitation with the simple message that you can’t attend. No reason is needed. They don’t ask for explanations, they just need a head count for the caterer. Neither do your parents have to explain for you, and tell them that. They can go to the wedding without you. Other guests will understand why her old boyfriend isn’t there.

To make it easier for you that day, buy tickets ahead of time to a concert, game or even book a holiday with some friends who aren’t part of the old high-school crowd.

The thing about first love is it often lingers in the heart, because you went into it freely and deeply, with no previous experience to help you keep a foot on the brakes. The nice thing about time and distance is that memories fade, you find new love and, eventually, another love even better than the first one. It seems you haven’t met her yet, so it’s best you avoid this wedding with as little explanation as possible. The bride won’t fuss. She may have invited you because she invited your parents and didn’t want to snub you, but she won’t be the least bit upset if you say you can’t come.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I happily lost my virginity in university and used to joke to my girlfriends that it was the best course I ever took — intercourse. Ha! I seduced the guy, knowing he had experience and it was OK. We went out for a few months and had some fun while he taught me as much as he knew about sex (not much, as it turns out) and then we went our separate ways.

Now, he has moved back to Winnipeg — nine years later, after being married and living in Toronto. His wife wants him back after she cheated on him. He called me to go to dinner and the conversation from his end was flirty and I knew what he’d be wanting for dessert — me — but I went anyway because I have no one in my life right now.

He spent the whole time whining about his recent breakup, and then he asked if he was really that bad in bed. He was my first experience, and I had others, and I have to tell you he was definitely the worst. I lied, so I wouldn’t hurt his little feelings. Now he’s calling me all the time, trying to get another date. I know what he wants. What do I say? He’s such a pest and so needy, I don’t even want to be friends.

— Mean Girl, East Kildonan

Dear Mean Girl: You’re not his sex therapist or surrogate — it’s not up to you to mend his sexual self-confidence. Tell him gently that you don’t feel comfortable dating again, as that interlude is over. Say you think he has to make a clean break with women from his past and meet people totally new, for friendship and new love. If you force yourself to see him to be polite, and he’s crying on your shoulder and pushing for sex, you’re going to be repulsed, an emotion which shows on a person’s face — whether they know it or not — via a wince and sometimes a full lip curl.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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