Ignore father’s wishes and visit dying mother

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 23/12/2017 (2910 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m an alcoholic and have been on and off the wagon many times. I’ve been totally cut off from my parents for three years. Through the grapevine, I have heard my mom is seriously ill, but still at home. Our last fight was over my drinking, and I was forbidden by my dad to see either of them again. My parents couldn’t take the highs and lows of being around me, as I alternately boozed it up and hit bottom and then rose again, only to fall a few months later. I stopped drinking about three months after that with the help of private nurses and Alcoholic Anonymous, and it has stuck.

Should I make a surprise visit now that I have been sober for two-and-half years? I don’t know 100 per cent if I’ll never fall down again, but I want to see my parents while they are alive. What do you think? I’m working steady and can afford presents. What if I go there with gifts on Christmas Eve and they turn me away? If I phone them to ask if I can come, they might tell me to leave them alone. Should I just go?

— Black Sheep of the Family, Winnipeg

Dear Black Sheep of the Family: As a mother, let me tell you this: definitely go and take that chance. Arrive with thoughtful little gifts and knock. If the door isn’t locked, walk in calling “Hello, Mom and Dad. Merry Christmas.” Don’t take the chance of being turned away by your father at the door. I can promise you, your mom wants to see you at Christmas (if you’re sober), even if your dad is trying to keep her from hurt down the line.

There is something about being a mother that is such a strong tie that I doubt your mom could turn you away. If you do get shown the door, leave your gifts and press a lovely card into your mom’s hands with a letter about your sobriety the last few years and your love for her, your dad and the whole family, plus your address and phone number. Say a heartfelt sorry for past hurts and forgive everybody anything they’ve ever said to you, but don’t dwell on that. Let them know it is new world for you now.

Don’t hit the bar and the booze if you get rejected this first time. Go to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings daily if you have to in order to retain your sobriety through the Christmas season, and on after that. If you get turned away, it’s not your last try. Make a plan to go see your mom in the new year after she’s read and digested your card and letter.

If you are determined enough, and keep trying in a gentle, persistent way, you will get to see her now you’re sober.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My mother-in-law is a beautiful soul and loves our children very much. Her son is about to leave me as soon as the holiday season is over. I won’t fight it, but I can’t tell his mother that. I feel so guilty looking at her, knowing she’ll feel ripped apart in two when we break up.

I snooped on him online and read all about his lover who lives in the city. I told him what I read, but didn’t ask for a divorce. Secretly, it’s OK with me that he’s leaving. I’ll pretend it’s not, so he’ll be the one at fault. He said he was tired of the boring life with me. I said nothing, but cried over the death of the dream of a stable home and intact family. He is a good father; I’ll give him that.

Now, how do I handle things so his mother doesn’t suffer too much? How can I maintain a close relationship with her when he moves out? That son is the apple of her eye!

— Want To Keep Mom-In-Law, Winnipeg

Dear Want To Keep Mom-In-Law: Since he’s a good dad, work out liberal visitation so he can include his mother in the visits regularly. Tell him it’s OK if she babysits the kids some of the time he has them — at his house or her house — because they love to be with their grandma. But, be careful: you can’t start having her babysitting in your own home if you want to start having your own social life and a new love life one day. It’s better not to start that at all, than to start it and have to stop it.

One day in the future, when you and your now-husband both have new mates and everything is stable again, you and your former mother-in-law can establish a slightly closer relationship if you want that. Just realize your husband’s new wife will have a mother who has become the new mother-in-law. It is hard to meet and talk with ex-family and not gossip, and that can lead to bad consequences.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

   Read full biography