New girl at church leads to sinful thoughts

Opinion

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 21/01/2018 (2818 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a 15-year-old guy. I used to hate going to our Catholic church until this girl started coming about a month or so ago. When she knelt on the bench in front of me, she had the nicest body I’ve ever seen. I haven’t mentioned this to any of my friends or family, as I suddenly love going to church now and always am the first one down the aisle to sit behind her and her family.

This week my mom asked me if I’d had an epiphany or something, since I seemed so anxious to go to church now.

I wonder if this girl can feel me staring at her beautiful (backside) when she takes off her coat and prays on first arrival. OMG, she is something to give thanks for.

I do feel kind of guilty for what I’m thinking, but it does get me to church every Sunday now. I know her first name because I listen in on her family conversation, but I don’t know what my next move should be?

Please help!

— Bad Guy at Church, Winnipeg

Dear Bad Guy at Church: You may be in love with a part of her, but not her. If you want to meet her — the person inside the body — why don’t you sit on the outside of the row instead of right behind her, staring? Then you can catch her as she comes out of her pew and give her your best smile. No, not your 1,000-watt panting-puppy smile, but a kind of half smile as you look into her eyes and say hello.

Hot tip: keep your eyes off her chest if you want to make any headway with her. Next Sunday after that, introduce yourself. The following Sunday, you can ask her for her name if she didn’t tell you when you introduced yourself. See how this is progressing? In a month, you’ll be having little conversations and can give her a casual compliment on her outfit, such as noticing the colour and saying it looks nice on her. Get the idea? Write me back in a month if you need more coaching.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Valentine’s Day is in three weeks, and I know my girlfriend wants an engagement ring. I’m not against it. I love her and want to marry her. It’s just I don’t have enough money, even though I have a good job.

My money has gone to my secret gambling habit — I have a little problem with VLTs. Nobody sees me because I go to 10 different places. I no longer go with friends because I don’t want them to know how much I gamble.

Help!

— Drowning Gambler, Winnipeg

Dear Drowning Gambler: You need serious help before you get engaged. So this is not the year to give her the ring — even if you win a pile one night at the machines before Feb. 14, or pony up for a cheap ring on a payday before you get to the VLTs to make your offering. That’s what it really is. The machines are designed to take back the money a person gains, so the VLTs are making a profit for themselves.

There is a concise, helpful Addictions Foundation of Manitoba information page on all their programs. The addictions helpline is 1-855-662-6605, and the 24-hour problem gambling helpline is toll-free at 1-800-463-1554. And you might consider the 21-day residential program is in Brandon, and is available to anyone in the province.

Have you ever seen inside a VLT machine? I did one night. There was hardly anyone at this little bar and the owner — an old friend — said he was going to close out the VLTs. He opened the machine, put a white garbage pail inside to catch all the loonies and quarters — money that people had thrown away that afternoon. It was a turnoff, watching him lug the garbage pail of money to the back. Not a magic world inside that machine as I imagined!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6