Husband might not be capable of only being with one woman

Opinion

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 03/05/2018 (2721 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband came home smelling of some kind of flowery soap or shampoo. And when I touched his head as I went past his chair, his hair was slightly damp. There are no showers where he works.

I leaned down and grabbed his face, looked into it and asked him why he had a shower and where. I told him he smelled like flowers. His cheeks got red, which only happens when he’s super upset. He didn’t say anything, just gulped and out-waited me, in complete silence.

I told him I would wait to hear whatever kind of story he was going to work up and in the meantime, he could sleep in the guest bedroom since I didn’t want another woman’s smell coming into our bed. Then, I went into our bedroom, locked the door, lay down and cried myself to sleep. He couldn’t have missed the sobbing.

I loved this man with all my heart. I knew he was a ladies man before he met me, but I thought our love was so much deeper and greater than anything before and that he had given up his sleeping-around ways. I guess not.

He hasn’t said anything yet, not a denial, confession, apology or asking for forgiveness. He’s still sleeping in the other bedroom, so now, I’m the one who has to beg him back, if I want him back. Now, the shoe is on the other foot. What should I do?

— Distraught Wife Hanging On, River Heights

Dear Distraught Wife Hanging On: You know how he lived before, but you believed in the power of love to change him into one-woman man forever. Sometimes, the power of love isn’t enough. Maybe he just doesn’t share your values. He was swept away by love for a time, and made promises he didn’t see sense in to please and marry you. Maybe he still loves you just the same, but he wants some variety sexually.

As an experienced womanizer who has had to cover his tracks before, it’s interesting he used another woman’s scented soaps and shampoos in the shower and came home with his hair wet. He would know better than that.

Perhaps he was wanting, on some deep level, to take a chance on getting caught. Sometimes, marriage is just too confining for this type of person. If you aren’t up for an open marriage, this may be his way of saying, “I can’t handle your relationship style anymore.” Think of it in terms of wild animals held in captivity: their human keepers are always aware the wild instincts are there and can resurface.

Oddly enough, he may still love you a lot and monogamy may have nothing to do with how he feels about you. Another question you should ask him is how long has this been going on? He’s unlikely to tell the truth on this score, but it is likely not the first time he’s cheated since you got married. Remember, seeing more than one woman for sex is a familiar lifestyle for him. It’s the confining monogamy that was new. Though natural for you, he may not have adjusted to it.

Since he’s not talking, insist on relationship counselling, for both of you, together and apart. Who knows where this will end up? He may not be capable of being faithful, and you may not be able to stand that.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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