Husband won’t talk about his time in jail

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This article was published 08/05/2018 (3072 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband did some short time in jail when he was young. We have never talked about it, but I figured he would bring it up one day.

I finally asked him this week to tell me about it, if he was ready, and he looked at me meaningfully and told me that he would never be ready.

I asked him if it was because something sexual happened and he looked insulted. It wasn’t a sex crime, he said. (I didn’t think it was and wasn’t worrying about that all these years, or I wouldn’t have married him.)

I told him I was curious about it, but he shot me down by saying I could have looked it up. He lightened the mood by giving me a smile, turned and went off to work and that was that.

The reason I want to know is because he can’t go to the U.S. and I want to go with him. I go shopping to Grand Forks and Fargo with my friends sometimes, so I still get to go, but I would like to take a trip with him. What should I do? — Still Curious, Manitoba

Dear Still Curious: How would you like him to secretly look up a crime you committed as a young person — something you’re embarrassed of as an adult and don’t want to talk about. You would have no chance to explain why and how it came about, you would just know what was on the books.

I have personally never thought people who have fallen in love and become committed to each other needed to know absolutely everything about their early lives.

I learned this lesson at home. My father came home from the war in his early 30s and met and married my mother, who was 24. My mom was a curious cat (much like her daughter, who became a reporter), but my dad told her nothing of his time in the war, whether it was about fighting or romances.

My brother John and I found out a lot by eavesdropping when our dad’s friends came over, and believe me, mom didn’t need to hear that information, and neither did we, but it was a horrible fascination for us.

Mom told me once my dad said to her: “My new life started with you, and there’s no need to go back to the past.”

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I wanted to drive out for an early visit to our cabin. At the last minute, my husband couldn’t go, so our neighbour at home, and also at the lake, hitched a ride with me. He came over for early dinner at the cabin with me after working in his yard. It was a bit chilly, so I threw him a blanket and we both wrapped blankets around us while we ate.

It was a laugh until he walked over to the big window and told me to look outside. I walked over and it was the most beautiful scene over the lake.

Then he turned and took me in his arms and kissed me — and not just a peck. I went along with it. I was curious, too.

Anyway, afterwards I felt instant guilt and remorse, but he was going for more. I yelled “No!” and told him to get out and that I would meet him in the car. Ten minutes later, I was also in the car, driving and saying nothing to him.

Then, he said he was sorry and asked if we could forget it. I told him we could overlook it for other people, but I wasn’t going to forget because it was wrong.

He said, “Maybe it was wrong for you, but I felt overcome because I’ve always been attracted to you and have always wanted to hold you in my arms.”

We went back and forth for a bit, I told him he got his wish and he said I enjoyed it, too. I finally turned up the radio and things were quiet for half an hour until he asked if we could just have a kiss every once in a while and it wouldn’t really count as cheating.

I laughed at that, but the tension was broken and we just went home to our mates. But now, a week later, my body (not my brain) is craving another kiss.

And here’s another thing: I’m no longer sorry for what I did and I’m not telling my husband. Please help me! — Tempted Wife, Winnipeg

Dear Tempted Wife: That kiss was like a match that lit a tiny flame, and a little fire usually spreads. That’s why just one kiss is such a bad idea when you’re married to other people, and such a good idea if you’re single and trying to turn a friendship into a flaming affair. Especially when we’re not talking about a peck, but a real kiss you can feel all the way down to your toes.

Look ahead to the possible raging fire with your cabin neighbour and the ruination of two families who were once trusted friends, then keep your kissy lips to yourself.

Tell him there will be no more kisses, so he isn’t wondering when the next one will be.

Why don’t you use that fire you felt during that kiss in the cabin to see if you can reignite the passion with your husband, which may be burning low right now.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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