Time to call a truce in the underwear war

Opinion

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 01/09/2019 (2230 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My wife threw out my comfortable old underwear — all of it. OK, some had a few holes. She bragged she dumped the whole “ratty, ugly, unsexy collection” in a garbage bag that had already been picked up for the dump. Some of those were my favourites. She left me with three new pairs that met her approval in the empty drawer and told me to go out and buy the rest myself.

I was furious. I told her she’d gone WAY over the line. When she left for work I went into her drawers and threw out all her granny panties and those unsexy faded flannel nightgowns I have been hating for years. Who wants to sleep with granny?

I left her a cheque for $200 in the drawer and a note to go buy something sexy. She was steaming when she opened the drawer, and she ripped up the cheque and dropped it on the floor. Now what?

— Battle of 2019, Fort Garry

Dear Battle: You could end the underwear war and gain a sexier relationship, but you’ll have to swallow your pride and make the first move. You’ll have to initiate the talk about what happened to your sexy relationship and why. You need to figure out why you both covered up and what problems have made you feel angry or cold enough to BOTH wear armour to bed.

Offer to be the first one to change. Hot tip: when you go shopping for yourself, forget those tighty-whities and their ugly cousins — those grey numbers that look old, right out of the package.

Start by buying some black briefs without the white elastic waist and leg tops. Buy new briefs from bikini to clingy shorts length, and some short boxers, not the big, loose ones. Invite her to buy a few she’d like to see on her lover, which hopefully is still you. Who knows, you might end up with some underwear that will turn both of you back on — and isn’t that the point of this fight?

As for your wife’s new lingerie and underwear, you don’t get to suggest “How about wearing the blue thing with the things?” as Homer Simpson did with Marge. You could mention a colour you like, but that’s about it. And if she’s buying several pieces, $200 isn’t going to buy much. It’s not sleepwear. It’s sensual and designed to wake your partner up.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’ve had trouble finding the right woman, but finally I found the woman of my dreams. She’s in her early 30s, as am I. We dated all summer and I got the feeling she was “the one“ so we got around to discussing our attitude to having babies. She said casually she’d like “one or two.“ Miss L., the truth I’ve been hiding is I can’t even have one. I had a vasectomy in my late 20s after my first marriage ended with her cheating.

I see my two buddies, who only have visitation rights, after their marriages went bad and I don’t want that kind of hell with an ex. I don’t mind kids, but I’m not crazy about having them. The problem is I haven’t told her I’ve had a vasectomy and she has been using the pill. She will be really upset, and I think I love her. Should I tell her?

— Foolish Liar, Osborne Village

Dear Liar: Yes, you’re in big trouble. You must tell her right away and be prepared for a huge blow-up. You’ve been dishonest, hiding your situation and letting her think she needed to use the pill with you. She may punt you immediately.

Unlike men, women in their 30s don’t have all the time in the world. If “no babies” is your stance, and since vasectomy reversals are tricky and often not possible, she needs to move on. Most often, a new man is not worth the sacrifice of losing babies and family life.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.