Time for a boudoir bait and switch

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 19/01/2020 (2412 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I just found a sexual keepsake of my husband’s from the girlfriend before me. It’s a collection of three eight-by-10 photos of her posing in the nude. Lovely, just lovely! And, her body is way better than mine.

I found his little porn stash when my cleaning lady and I did the regular flip of the mattress. So he keeps her photos nearby, and I can guess why. Two can play this game! I had a nude picture taken of me by an old boyfriend when I was single, that he’s never seen. So I stuck it under the mattress along with the ex-girlfriend’s nudie shots, and have been waiting for a reaction.

There has been NONE, and they’re all still in there three weeks later. What should I do next?

— Upset New Wife, North Kildonan

Dear Upset Wife: Why not remove his ex’s nude photos and just leave your shot there? That will make a surprise for him, and you’ll know he’s seen the shot of you and that you removed the other by his agitation.

It could be your new husband is bored and uninterested in these old photos, and won’t look for quite a while. Meanwhile, you’re in a drawn-out emotional stew!

You really need to bring this issue to a head so you don’t keep obsessing. If you don’t get a reaction in the next week, ask your husband to flip the mattress for you because it’s too heavy, then sneak over and stand by the bedroom door out of sight. Who knows, he may be more thrilled over the nudie shot of you than her old pictures! He’d be wise to pretend that’s the case, even if it isn’t so.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Lucky for me I met a new girlfriend over Christmas at a party and we’ve been going out a lot and having a lot of fun. But, when I tried to kiss her this weekend, she ducked and muttered. “No way!”

Finally I asked her what that was all about, and she said the last guy she started dating was great until he kissed her, “and strangulated me with his tongue.” I said, “Well I’m not him” and she said nothing.

Then I added, all embarrassed, “I’ve been told I’m a good kisser!” Even that didn’t change her mind. I’m 15 and don’t know what to do next — or is it even worth trying? I don’t deserve to pay for the last guy’s crappy kissing.

— Getting Fed Up, south Winnipeg

Dear Getting Fed Up: A flat “no way” is bad news. This girl isn’t willing to give you a chance whatsoever. Unless she’s the only girl you’re attracted to and she’s absolutely wonderful in every other way, why embarrass and frustrate yourself further? She sounds like a friend possibility, but not real girlfriend material for you.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: For the new year, the company where I work hired a half-timer who looked strangely familiar from the back — something about the set of his wide shoulders. I walked over our big floor, and discovered my ex-boyfriend with short hair and a beard.

When I knew him, he had hair halfway down his back and no beard. He’s a computer expert, but also a musician. Then I said hello, and asked “What are YOU doing here?”

He laughed and said, “Sorry, I knew you worked here, but I didn’t think we’d be on the same floor and it wouldn’t really matter.” I shrugged and walked off. Nothing I can do, but my attention is too often drawn to him and his powerful shoulders, and I remember him in ways I wish I didn’t. He is good at everything he does, if you get my meaning.

We broke up because he moved to Ontario and said he was never coming back from big-time Toronto. Ha! Now I’m looking at his back, and wasting a lot of time and emotion remembering everything from five years ago. Now what?

— Attracted and Distracted, Broadway

Dear Distracted: Make some excuses to your immediate boss about the light and the way your computer faces and turn your desk so you aren’t staring at your ex-honey.

Doesn’t work? Ask for a move to a totally different spot. The last thing anybody needs is to be distracted at work by some old love who has the ability to turn you on from across the room. That is what’s happening and it’s counter-productive. Write back and let us know how the manoeuvering goes.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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