Embrace this blast from your past

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 21/01/2020 (2410 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband died almost a year ago and I got a real shock this week!

I just had a man from my past send me flowers to my home. Not flowers from a stranger, but a dozen bright red roses. We had been very close as teenagers — first loves — and I almost fell over when I read his name.

He said he would like to talk to me and gave me his number. I was so curious, I called. He said he wanted to apologize for the way he treated me back in high school and that he always felt bad for it, because I didn’t deserve what he did.

He wanted to set the record straight. You see, it turned out he had lied to me and told me didn’t love me any more after his graduation. He was one year older and had an exciting vision of the big city of Winnipeg, and he wanted to be free when he went to live in residence at university so he could go out with anyone he wanted.

By the time he realized how wrong he was — like at Christmas time — and that he was still in love with me, I had started seeing another guy and was wearing his “going steady” ring.

He was devastated but thought he deserved it and should keep his mouth shut. He said he just wanted me to know he always loved me and still does. He said the roses are not meant as pressure, that he just needed to send them as a token of a very late apology. I don’t know if I should call him or not. I’m pretty lonely since my husband died. What do you think?

— Considering It Cautiously, East Kildonan

Dear Cautiously: Well, you just wrote me: the cheerleader for romantic love, righters of wrongs and givers of second chances. My answer? Yes, of course you should go!

You have just been offered a real life adventure; you’d regret if you didn’t. Call this courageous man, and at least see him for dinner — not coffee. The “just coffee” thing is cowardly when you have been much more than strangers, know scads of the same people, and loved each other with innocent hearts at one time. You need time to talk — not just half an hour.

You’ll find lots of things to talk about over a casual meal in a cozy little bistro. Don’t opt for a big dining room that could be empty and feel awkward. Also, don’t pick a place that closes early. You might want to talk for hours and not have serving staff tapping their toes.

But, DO bring your own car and be able to leave when you want to go. Sometimes the conversation just runs out and it’s just time to go, but do let him walk you to your car, like the gentleman he seems to be. And, who knows? Maybe there’ll be a kiss!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My children are young teenagers and I’m a single father. The kids criticize their mother to me, thinking that will somehow please me. I tell them I don’t want them to disrespect their mom, and the other day, the oldest said, “Well, you did.” That brought the conversation to a halt.

It’s true they heard me curse their mother out when I was a drinker. I have been sober for seven years, but it must have really hurt them to hear the fights in those days.

I didn’t know what to say and I still don’t know what to say. It was a terrible moment and I went outside on the ice-cold deck to wipe away the tears. They threw their plates in the sink (I could hear the crashes) and went to play on their computers. Please help.

— Too Late Now? St. Boniface

Dear Late: Apologies from parents who were abusive to their mates are things kids wait so long to hear they often end up in psychologists’ offices as adults who can’t seem to build good relationships.

So this is a big opportunity for you to speak to each of them separately and tell them how badly you feel and ask them for their questions which you will answer the best you can. They will feel more comfortable speaking or breaking down crying with you alone and then you can put your arm around them.

Need help with the words? Talk to the people at Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon (for families and friends of alcoholics), access their books and those at libraries, and really make this an opportunity to accomplish much-needed healing for you and your children, before they get into relationships.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

   Read full biography