Enlist help to vanquish lover’s ‘ghost’

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This article was published 23/01/2020 (2409 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My new boyfriend is one year past his marriage breakup yet he still calls out his ex-wife’s name in his sleep. It makes me very sad and upset, like I’m nothing to him. He wasn’t “out of love” for her when she announced she was through with him and had found a boyfriend.

His wife broke up with him because he was away so much with his work. I work in the same area as he does, but don’t have to fly for work. He has no choice.

Will he ever get over her? Am I wasting my time? It just hurts me so deeply I can feel it in my guts when I wake up hearing him crying for her in his sleep. I hate to leave him, because he really needs somebody.

— Second Best, Wolseley

Dear Second Best: What he really needs is to be talking about this heartache trauma to a psychologist or psychiatrist and then, if his ex agrees, to include her in a session.

Sadly, you can only be a friend at this point as deep emotions for another women are impossible until he gets this resolved. He can only feel gratitude for you for your friendship and company right now.

He’s grieving as one might grieve a death, but the worst part for him is she’s still alive, and he never stopped loving her. It is actually a case of mutual desertion because she feels he left her alone in their marriage, and was married to his work and work mates.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m happy to say I no longer want to scream at my teenage children because my twins just went off to work and live in a city in another province this fall. They drove me insane at home — both so mouthy, selfish, lazy and sloppy.

I was just their cleaning lady and cook and they listened to nothing I said because the two of them backed each other up — forming a wall.

How did I raise brats like this? I guess it was just such a big deal having twins and everybody fussed over them like they were princesses and that’s what they were to me. Their father couldn’t take it, and left when they were very young.

Now one of the twins wants to come home because she “hates working at her minimum wage job slinging hash.” Oddly enough, her sister works in the same place and is making good tips, and likes it. The one who wants to quit and come home says all she gets is complaints and hardly any tips. No wonder! She’s the laziest and most surly of the two.

 I don’t want her back home right now. What can I do?

— NOOOOOOOO! Winnipeg

Dear NO!: Tell  her to hang in there and look for another job, and send her a little rent and food money so she doesn’t come home right away. It’s worth it. You need a mental and emotional rest. So, don’t take her back immediately, unless it’s a choice of that or her being on the streets.

You might also alert her father, and maybe she can go live with him now. Or she might be interested in taking training for something, especially now she sees her high school education isn’t getting her very far.

If she just quits her job, and shows upon your doorstep with her suitcases and an entitled look on her face, tell her she’ll be job-hunting the very next day. Be tough about this. You spoiled her and now you have to unspoil her. You want to hear her say at the end of Week 1: “Boy, have you ever changed!”

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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