Fulfil yourself to nourish relationship

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This article was published 31/01/2020 (2401 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’ve been told I’m over-involved with my husband’s physical problems. One friend said it’s like I have “made myself into a martyr.” It’s true I’ve dropped all my interests and sports since he’s been in a wheelchair, and I do feel enslaved to his needs. But isn’t that what a wife does when her husband ends up in a chair?

He told me recently in a fight, “I don’t want want anyone hovering over me like I’m a baby!” Then he said something shocking — that I was the one needing help! So I said, “What would that be Einstein?“ He said, “You don’t do anything outside this house anymore and you aren’t yourself. I’m sick of you acting like my nursemaid.”

I was so mad! That night I went out, without telling him where, and came home late. He put himself to bed and said the next day he was fine with what time I came home (he noticed) and he was glad I went out and had some fun. He didn’t care I was gone, after all l’ve done for him!

— Just Showing My Love, West End

Dear Showing: Your problem is termed “co-dependency.” You say you’ve been told clearly you’re over-giving and smothering. Now you realize you’re doing it, you need to figure out for what reason. Is it guilt, fear of him hurting himself or the need to be in total control?

Your husband feels diminished by the babying and constant attention to his needs. He wants to do all the things he CAN do for himself and still feel like your adult partner — not your patient or your child. He doesn’t want you to give up all the time in your life for him.

There are meetings for people who have gotten into a co-dependent relationship pattern with someone, and want to change to having a healthier, more fulfilling relationship again. The Co-Dependents Anonymous Canada group in Winnipeg meets Mondays at 7 p.m. at the Home Street Mennonite Church (318 Home St., side door). For more information, visit codacanada.ca.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband brought home a puppy without asking me if I wanted one. I sure as heck didn’t! I don’t want to clean up after his training messes.

I’m the one at home all day, and expecting a first baby in five months. I told my husband to take the mutt back. He said he couldn’t!

I said, “Try!” He said, “No.” So now we have a puppy I don’t want, and a growing coldness between us. I think he likes that dirty dog better than me!

He’s showing some of the same “self-serving attitude” of his mother he always tells me about. She’s not a bad woman at all. She’d never let him and his brother have any dirty animals in the house either. Who can blame her?

He managed to keep the puppy, but he’s not NOT the boss of this house and I don’t clean up after the pup. He does it all when he gets home. That’s only fair, right?

— Pregnant Wife, Windsor Park

Dear Pregnant Wife: He’s not the boss of your house, but neither are you. Do you not see pets were a big, ugly issue with his own mother? Maybe he was scared to ask you — the new important woman in his life — in case you behaved like his mother. And you did, so his feelings for you are cooling.

Be very careful. Don’t lose him over this disagreement. A man who loves animals is likely to be gentle, kind and compassionate with a baby — a good dad.

Lucky for you, puppies tend to love everybody except for people who shout, kick or shame them. Don’t let that be you. Your baby will naturally love the puppy who will be a sweet companion and a protector.

So consider backing off this Big Mama stance of yours, agreeing instead to talk over any new additions to the number of animals in the family, and say you’ll be more open about it. You need the warmth to start coming back in your marriage ASAP especially with a baby coming.

It’s a little confusing you can’t clean up a little puppy mess considering you’re not working six months before your first baby. The dog will be trained much faster than your baby, and you’re not going to want to give away the baby over diapering!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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