Wake up and leave ‘dream’ home behind

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This article was published 03/02/2020 (2398 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I was so nervous on my “first date” with a man in years — I couldn’t eat the expensive dinner. I just pushed the food around on my plate. My date — a sweetheart of a man — kept asking if the food was bad, and if he could send it back to get me something different. I just made excuses about feeling ill, apologized and went home in a taxi.

The thing is, I was living a lie. I was pretending I was single to him, and the lie was making my throat close up. I’m actually still technically married, but my husband and I are living in two ends of this big beautiful house neither one of us wants to give up. It was our dream house and we designed it and had it built.

We haven’t even gotten a separation, though it has been several years now “apart.” He’s been seeing another woman since we came to this agreement — or probably well before, knowing him. He likes the arrangement, as he knows it inhibits me, but has no hold on his getting around. I’m thinking “she” doesn’t care to actually marry him, as she’s not pushing to change our living situation.

Oddly, my husband is still jealous, and considers me his property. He wants to keep living in the house with the pool and triple-car garage. He likes that I can’t help myself from cleaning the house I love, although I don’t cook or eat with him anymore. We can’t afford to live elsewhere in the kind of luxury we enjoy now.

We only present ourselves as a couple in formal situations like Christmas and New Year’s Eve and have people over to show off our house, but now that’s over for another whole year — and I have no children to keep me company. Miss L., I am dying of loneliness! It wasn’t hard to find men online, but it just isn’t going to work because I’m not a born liar like my husband. I’m nothing like him.

— Material Girl, Tuxedo

Dear Material Girl: You may have had your conscience stuck in your throat at that dinner, but you’re also much like your husband. You’re addicted to the beautiful, big house you designed and the appearance of being a wealthy, stylish couple. But it’s getting you nowhere except further into a deep loneliness that can end in serious depression.

To get out of this trap, start seeing a psychologist so you can work this out and stop living a lie. You need to sell that house and move on to start an honest, single life. Then it’s time for dating, making new single friends and looking for love and happiness. That house is not your “friend” and hasn’t been for a long time. Plus, you only live in part of it.

So quit dating for now and use the counselling to set yourself free. Your own divorce lawyer and accountant (not your husband’s advisers or other friends of his) will help you find the best way to separate, divorce and divide up the money from the house, property and investments. Once you have your ducks in a row, THEN you approach your husband with your plan for leaving, which you put fully into action without delay. Don’t let him drag it out.

Because designing means so much to you, why not start drawing up plans for building your own smaller house one day? Or you could buy a condo and re-do the whole interior. Get excited, but don’t make the new project a substitute for socializing and meeting up with friends and dates. Your social life will begin again once you get honest with yourself and gain true independence.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I told off an old friend of mine for his underhanded dealings, and he’s been phoning now, trying to get me back being friends with him again. I don’t want that, but I don’t know how tell tell him to get lost for good. Being the gutless guy, I pretended to go along with his stories about how he diddled somebody out of money on a job he’d done and the guy was “too stupid to even know.”

I guess I look look like phoney since I laughed along with him, but now I’ve started to go to church with my new girlfriend and I feel like such a creep for applauding this guy’s dishonest dealings. How do I tell him to quit phoning me?

— Gutless Wonder, Brandon

Dear Gutless: You could tell him in language he’d understand that you “got religion” and no longer approve of the way he thinks about cheating people and laughing at them. Tell him you’re making new set of church friends and push the idea that he join a place of worship and get himself straightened out. He’ll probably run for the hills. Most people don’t like to be pushed in this way.

If people ask him where his old buddy went (that’d be you) he can tell them you’ve “found religion” and you’re no fun anymore. That works for you, doesn’t it? That way HE gets to reject you!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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