Let buddy scuttle his own relationship

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This article was published 21/03/2020 (2367 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My buddy, who’s like a brother, confessed to me his wife has not slept with him for almost three years. Recently, a woman at his work has presented herself to him as wanting to be more than a friend, and is really interested in seeing him intimately. She is very recently single and has her own place now. 

She invited him for an after-work drink there last Friday, and he went. Although he swears he did nothing, he’s dying to go back again. He described her new place to me, and it’s set up like a lover’s hideaway. He noticed the black satin sheets folded back in the bedroom. “What an invitation!” I said, without thinking. 

No wonder he’s hot to trot, as the old saying goes. I would be too, except my wife is a sexy thing and I can barely keep up. Today he cornered me for a brief lunch and said he was thinking he was going to go for it. He asked me what I thought, and I said I’d have to think about it. Miss L., the truth is I think he should take the opportunity! How often does that come along?

I never liked his wife anyway. She’s just too cool and sophisticated and treats him like her lowly servant. She even sends him out to do favours for her friends whose husbands are busy. My wife hasn’t said outright she thinks he should be true to Lady Beige, but today she told me not to offer him advice, although I know darn well she’d ask her best friends for relationship advice about me in a minute. What should I do?

— His Closest Buddy, South Winnipeg 

Dear Buddy: You don’t go back to visit the den of the hunting lioness a second time if you don’t want to be caught. Your line when he presses for your opinion/permission should be: “I have nothing to say, my friend. It’s all up to you.”

You can remain his close buddy and please your wife too. This guy is going to do what he wants and he doesn’t need your blessing or your discouragement, so tell him exactly that with a friendly smile on your face. Just shake your head and give him the benign look of tolerant friendship — no winking! It’s likely he’s a goner if he goes back there. It’s not a matter of if, but when.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I made the mistake of encouraging my wife to talk freely about her sexual fantasies and one of them is fantasizing about a female friend of hers. At first I thought she meant the three of us together — a threesome like every guy wants — but when I mentioned that, she laughed me off. 

No, she just fantasizes about her lady friend when she’s with me, to make things more exciting for her. Wow, what a deflating situation for me, literally. I feel like second-best to somebody who isn’t even there, and also not my gender, so how can I compete? I can’t ask her to take her confession back now, but it’s really killing my confidence. What could save this mess?

— Feeling Useless, Like Half a Man, Southdale

Dear Feeling Useless: One has to wonder what your wife was thinking when she confessed this to you. It’s a mean thing to do, and totally confusing that it’s another woman she doesn’t want to share with you in a threesome. 

Do you fantasize about other women when you’re with her? For now, you might give it a whirl, but don’t make the mistake of telling your wife who the other person is. Then you may be a tad happier until you get some counselling help. What you two really need to do is talk about both of your sexual feelings, your marriage and what might be done to stabilize things.  

If this is your wife’s way of introducing her bisexuality and wishes for same-sex partners (when you thought it was a heterosexual marriage to only you), there’s a lot that needs to be talked about when you’re ready to really rock this boat.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: At our New Year’s party with our lake neighbours, I overheard a conversation through the bathroom wall. I have tried to suppress it in my mind, but last night I had a full-blown nightmare about It. It has haunted me for almost three months.

One of my close neighbours is planning to leave his wife in a sneaky way and she doesn’t know it. I think his wife is great, but if I tell on him he’ll deny it and call me a liar and a troublemaker. He’s so good-looking he’ll probably tell her I made it up because I’m after him. I have told my husband and he’s keeping quiet about it, but it’s killing me. Who should I talk to? Not the cheater. He’s a big baby and would cry to his wife and blame me.

— Carrying His Secret, Winnipeg

Dear Carrying: Well, this guy who intends to leave his wife isn’t exactly keeping it a secret. You overheard him telling another person and that person may not be the first. You know, and your husband knows, so how many others know?

I’m thinking this “big baby” may also be the kind of coward who gets drunk and talks big talk and does nothing about it. What good would it do to warn his wife if this was just drunk talk? It’s horrible to learn secrets like this, but also dangerous to share them.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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