Try bucking up and playing the long game

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 04/05/2020 (2330 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I finally met a woman I think I want to be with for the rest of my life! But we were only a couple of months into the relationship and just starting to make love when we were torn apart by this virus — and her strict need for distance. She is wonderful in every way, but she’s a devoted front-line worker. I couldn’t respect her more for that, but she won’t allow me near her, as she says she’d never forgive herself if she got COVID-19 and then gave it to me.

I understand this in my head, but my heart and my body ache to hold and comfort her after a long, tough shift. I want to be her rock, to look after her. Instead, I’m at the end of a phone line, and we are in our own homes and I just can’t foresee the end of this. I am so sexually frustrated and I feel terror when I think one of us might get sick and die. Sometimes I can’t help but complain to her, and at times I secretly feel like walking away from this torture. I’m so in love with her, Miss L.! Can you help at all?

— So Close, Yet So Far Away, Brandon

Dear Far Away: This is much like wartime with lovers torn apart. But this war is with a virus that can spread like wildfire if people stop being careful.

Physical distancing is terribly frustrating for people who care deeply, and can no longer touch. Another guy might shrug his shoulders and say, “What’s the point of this torture?” then walk away and try to forget her until it’s all over. But what kind of person disappears when things get tough? Clearly not you. Besides, if you did break up, you’d just worry yourself sick, not being able to hear her voice anymore or see her face on your phone and computer screens. So you need to get realistic and tough.

Steel yourself to look many months ahead — a kind of tunnel vision — to a time when you can be close safely. Talk about that time together in the future and make happy plans about things you will do and places you will go together. Just stop putting pressure on your lady over what cannot happen between you, when she’s already so overworked and tired. Be her rock, starting right now. Get active with this new love. Send her safe gifts like YouTube songs dedicated to her online and little texted love notes with photos — funny, sweet, passionate messages. Be the person who lightens her life — not the sad, angry, impatient boyfriend, who adds to the weight she carries. Your rewards will start to come as soon as you help her feel happier. (And maybe there will be phone sex down the road!)

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I am the takeout king of Winnipeg. Some restaurants know me by name. I have a lonely heart, and part of it’s my own fault. I’m very fat and I know it. But I haven’t made any effort to give up my first love, which is expensive food and greasy burgers and chips.

Then something scary happened. I looked at a chart online and it said with my weight at my height, I am morbidly obese. I know what that means. This amount of fat could kill me.

But what girl would want me if I did lose the weight and get in shape? I am an eating machine in overdrive. The minute something goes wrong, I stuff my face; if there’s something to celebrate, I stuff my face. My reaction to any strong emotion is to go to the telephone and order food for three — me, myself and I.

I have always worked at home and made a good living. Trouble is, I can stuff my face at the same time as I work, and nobody sees me or criticizes me. Food never disappoints me, but people do. I never thought I’d find personal happiness and a great love life so I never tried. But that chart has really scared me. I really don’t want to die young. I want to know what love is before I die. I’d even like to have a wife and family, though that seems like asking too much. Please help me.

— King of Take-Out, North Kildonan

Dear Take-Out King: Your advantage is you have the money to get the psychological counselling you need to get you to the place where you can start taking off the weight, and keep it off. Some psychologists and psychiatrists are doing counselling over the phone because of COVID-19 and social distancing. What you need to look for is a therapist who will help you tackle the emotional problems that got you stuffing yourself to the point of being dangerously overweight. Your physician could help you find a good person.

After some months of working on those problems, your emotional state will probably lighten, and you will very likely be impatient to shed the extra weight.

You should know: Psychiatrists are paid for by provincial health care if you have a referral from your doctor, but the queues to get in to see one can be long. You can also call a psychologist on your own, make appointments and pay for the visits. (You may have insurance that will help cover the cost.)

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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