It doesn’t matter how you say it
Advertisement
Read this article for free:
or
Already have an account? Log in here »
To continue reading, please subscribe:
Monthly Digital Subscription
$1 per week for 24 weeks*
- Enjoy unlimited reading on winnipegfreepress.com
- Read the E-Edition, our digital replica newspaper
- Access News Break, our award-winning app
- Play interactive puzzles
*Billed as $4.00 plus GST every four weeks. After 24 weeks, price increases to the regular rate of $19.00 plus GST every four weeks. Offer available to new and qualified returning subscribers only. Cancel any time.
Monthly Digital Subscription
$4.75/week*
- Enjoy unlimited reading on winnipegfreepress.com
- Read the E-Edition, our digital replica newspaper
- Access News Break, our award-winning app
- Play interactive puzzles
*Billed as $19 plus GST every four weeks. Cancel any time.
To continue reading, please subscribe:
Add Winnipeg Free Press access to your Brandon Sun subscription for only
$1 for the first 4 weeks*
*$1 will be added to your next bill. After your 4 weeks access is complete your rate will increase by $0.00 a X percent off the regular rate.
Read unlimited articles for free today:
or
Already have an account? Log in here »
Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 09/05/2020 (1971 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.
DEAR READERS: As Miss Lonelyhearts, I often receive questions about what love is to different people, and how to express it. They often come from people who have been through a lot in life — not all of it good. Love is no longer a simple, recognizable feeling for them.
Here are two examples of difficulties with expressions of love, and my answers. If you have ideas on how to help or examples of your own love-expression problems, please write to me.
— Sincerely, Miss L.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have night terrors that come from my past marriage, which was terrible. Love became a literal terror for me when he was drunk, and things got violent.
I have had psychological treatment in dealing with bad dreams from that time that haunt me. I can awaken now and put on the light, shake it off, say a prayer, and get back to sleep. But still, I get “the terrors” especially when I am over-tired.
My wonderful new boyfriend worries. He’s great, and we have “fallen” into something better than love. It really is the sensation of “falling” because I was devastated by the abusive marriage before and the loss of control in feelings. I learned love was not safe with the first man, but this man is gentle and all good.
I feel I have known him in another world — somewhere in Europe. He is so familiar to me. When I tell him this, he lets it go by without making fun of me, and says “Who knows? Anything is possible.”
My new man also has a fear of a marriage and family breakdown as he lost his wife and very young children when she divorced him and moved to another province with her wealthy new husband. He rarely sees his kids. So, we are both damaged by former “love.”
The result is we don’t want to call it “love,” but we don’t know any other word to describe a mutual feeling that’s way beyond “like,” where there’s a deep trust we have for each other.
I never want to hear the meaningless phrase “I love you” again. But what else can we call it? We have deep feelings, but more importantly, trust in each other.
— Wanting Meaningful Words
Dear Meaningful Words: Never mind those three overused little words. Instead, zero in on trust and say, “I’ll trust and protect you forever.”
Because of your feelings of knowing him in another country, you might playfully say you love each other in a European language like the French “je t’aime,” Italian “ti amo” or German “ich liebe dich.” These are fun ways to express your feelings.
Love feelings don’t always have to be deadly serious. You know each other’s past situations, and can be sweet and serious when you’re all alone, safe in each other’s arms.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I love a man who’s an enigma. Everything he is, he also isn’t. Depending on his mood, he can be fun, goofy, loving and romantic. He can also be grouchy, serious, cold and unromantic. The only constant is he’s never boring.
I’m also fascinated by his looks. I’ve never seen another person who looks like him. He reminds me of a big dog — one who is tough and has known violence, abuse and betrayal. He could snap a real enemy in two, to escape, but he’s actually quite gentle — so kind to me and to innocents such as children and animals, I know his loving spirit is still in there.
I love him so much, but I am afraid to tell him! So tell me, how do you get a man like this to let down his guard, love fully, and tell me about his feelings for me?
— Needing a Plan Forward, Downtown
Dear Needing a Plan: A man like this is wary of love, of letting down his guard, of giving himself fully — but mainly of being badly hurt, and not for the first time.
So don’t be afraid to go first with expressions of love and admiration. Tell him you don’t expect anything back just now, and there’s no pressure; you just wanted him to know you love him, and will always be kind and true.
Then leave the words alone. You need to give a person like this time to digest, and time to see if it’s true and not just a spur-of-the-moment emotion. Prepare to hang in there and let him learn to feel the honesty of your feelings.
You hint this man has suffered real abuse in life and maybe “love-him-and-leave-him” behaviour from previous girlfriends. It’s not easy in this time, when relationships can be very quickly sexual and the L-word is being tossed around at high moments during early sex — when the feeling often isn’t really love, but sexual excitement.
He has shown, in his loving treatment of children and animals, he still has the basic emotions alive within him to love another being. Dogs, cats and other critters don’t trick anyone, or have any kind of agenda, so he can let love emotions go with them easily. Try to be almost as transparent with your emotions, as he probably doesn’t feel very confident about guessing with humans.
Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.
Our newsroom depends on a growing audience of readers to power our journalism. If you are not a paid reader, please consider becoming a subscriber.
Our newsroom depends on its audience of readers to power our journalism. Thank you for your support.