Forgive clumsy pleasure plotters and their ‘peacock’

Opinion

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 12/05/2020 (1974 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I am furious! I told two of my best, most intimate friends I’d have never had an orgasm with a guy, and they set me up on a date with their close musician friend who came to town before The Virus arrived.

He was a really sexy man, but a little too well-informed, as it turns out. We went out for a week — the whole time he was here — and yes, we made love. It was better than great, and on the last night I actually had my first orgasm. We’d had some wine, were relaxed and feeling no pain.

He was suspiciously excited over my orgasm — and then he spoiled it. He went on to babble that he’d been hoping to give me my first! I felt my face go hot and fiery in the dark. I was embarrassed and horrified. Obviously, these two friends of mine had put him up to the job to help their poor deprived friend!

I phoned them an hour later and let them both have it! I haven’t talked to them in a couple of months, and I miss them, but I’m still feeling mad and humiliated. I need your advice.

— Their Orgasm Project, Osborne Village

 

Dear Project: If I’d gotten this revelation from a guy, he’d have had a different reaction — a little embarrassment perhaps, but also gratitude.

I don’t think your two friends are bad people. They’re fumblers, yes, but they just wanted to make you happy.

Unfortunately, they picked a peacock of a man to help. This sexy man wasn’t mature enough to keep “the project” to himself and started crowing.

Had he not done that, you’d have been happy, and the matchmakers also would have been happy when he reported back.

All three had good intentions, but blew it, and you had a right to be mad. They’ve had their punishment. Now, forgive them all and try to enjoy the memory of making music with this fellow.

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Your advice for the King of Takeout was right on. (I recommended the man, who described himself as “morbidly obese,” see a psychologist or psychiatrist to work on his problems and get his mind on the right track to lose the weight he’d like to shed. — Miss L.)

He needs counselling to develop the tools to control the connection between his emotions and food. If he was my friend, I’d also suggest taking things one step at a time.

The first and most important step is to drop the sugary drinks. There can be 10 teaspoons of sugar in one can of pop. Sugar is a stimulant to both the brain and the appetite. Sugar also feeds the wrong gut bacteria, and the gut/mind connection is extremely powerful. It takes time to redevelop one’s gut bacteria.

I was pretty sick long ago, and dropping all sweets and white foods put me on the road to health. Even today, I’ll only have a nibble of birthday cake after scraping the icing off.

The only sweet in my house is chocolate containing 72 per cent cocoa solids.

It’s a matter of reprogramming one’s brain. To me, sugar is a poison, and after eating it, I can feel the hunger in me beginning to rage. Once he gains the power over the sugary drinks, the next step will be easier.

— Coyote2, Steinbach

 

Dear Coyote2: Thanks for sharing your personal experiences to help the very unhappy King of Take Out.

Might I add, the drinks that use sugar substitutes are not one’s friends either, but bubbly waters with no sugar are pretty tasty. The best-tasting ones I’ve found are called DRY, come in a skinny clear bottles, look festive, and are great to carry around at a party. You can buy sugarless bubblies in lots of flavours.

It’s hard to swallow a diet that seems like a bunch of no-nos (no sugar, no white foods) but your food plan still includes fruit, vegetables, fish, meat and nuts, for starters, and some dark chocolate for a treat.

 

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.