Seek out methodical mate who ‘takes care of business’

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 11/05/2020 (2335 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My life came to a standstill when my husband decided to up and leave me after less than a year. I had no idea there was a problem. Everything was so peaceful — just the way I like it. I come from a turbulent, often violent background with too much alcohol. Everything was all in order in our marriage. We had schedules and a chart on the wall for our regular activities from shopping to exercise. I had pretty flowers on the table all the time and a perfect diet for us, cooked by me. No more of his dirty barbecues on the back deck.

My husband left because he said it felt like he was suddenly on a hospital ward after he married me and moved into my house. Everything is “predictable and correct,” and apparently it’s no fun living with me. Before we were married, I went along with him, and we hung out at his messy, dirty house half the time. But it was no secret my place ran like clockwork, with my acreage, nearly new house and animals. He’d seen my tidy house and home office, and a barn so clean the animals could eat a formal dinner there!

I loved living together with him — at my house. As for sex, it was predictable, yes, but it was great knowing we would make love every second night. I don’t like any fancy or weird stuff, but I’m a daily runner and have the health and stamina for energetic sex. He said life with me was sterile and rigid and he couldn’t take any more of it — that there was “no mess, no fun, no passion — just rules and regulations.”

Get this: He actually hated that I managed the money for both of us, and he had a (generous) allowance. He was always in financial trouble before me. I did my best for him, and he had more than $5,000 in his savings account when he left me. Where did I go wrong?

— Organized But Loving Wife, Winnipeg

Dear Organized: Opposite personalities sometimes attract and are quite fascinating to one other — for a while. In your case, your new husband discovered the way you ran your house didn’t happen by magic, but by diligent planning and you taking complete control. Suddenly his home, control over his money and the chance to be spur-of-the-moment were all gone. Sex became “exercise” every second night, with no wild, fun stuff. And you clearly became the boss! Now he was a human cog in your plan for a well-functioning life — filling the husband role.

Look, you are who you are and it’s not a terrible thing, but you need another orderly person to live with, preferably one who likes to run and/or work out daily, and loves energetic sex every second night. That’d be heaven for some rule-oriented men in this world, but that’s certainly not the guy you married.

So don’t chase after this husband! Let him go without a fight. You two are a mismatch. You had your whirl with an opposite. Try a guy who likes rules and dependability. But first, take a rest and recuperate. Get some counselling and work out your feelings.

Then try and find yourself a nice guy who’s quite a bit like you. If the new man’s happy “taking care of business” at work and at home, and doing a good job, you can relax, step back, stop being so bossy and controlling, and share the power. Then enjoy the fact he’s happy to share the responsibilities of a life running like clockwork (with flowers and dependable sex).

How to find this guy? Join a couple running clubs when COVID-19 restrictions ease up and see who you meet. You could also try groups related to your professional life. You can find someone like you, if you look for him.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a gay man who’s in love with my boss. He’s gay too, so no problem there. But two big problems remain for me. I’m not out of the closet yet and he’s my immediate boss. He’s also very upstanding and probably wouldn’t want an employee for a lover.

Don’t tell me to forget about him, as I’ve been in love with him for several years. I don’t date women, even as a cover, but my best friends are two women, so I always have a “dinner partner” for work events. People know those women by now and know we’re not romantic partners.

I also suspect my boss knows I’m gay. I’m not a macho man by any stretch, and I know he’s caught me staring at him a few times. But he is the consummate professional, and the big-shot company owner is straight as an arrow. I don’t think my boss has a partner, but he might. Please help.

— Impossible Dreamer? Downtown

Dear Dreamer: If you really want to be with your boss, you haven’t got a chance unless you leave the company. Then it’d be possible to date, if you and he wanted to get together.

But, if you love your job there, and have no desire to go job-hunting, come out of the closet quietly and casually and start looking elsewhere for a relationship. Stop looking at your boss longingly, as it may be uncomfortable for him, and, in any case, you’d be looking for someone other than him, right?

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: What are you supposed to do when people gossip to their friends about the way you look? I’m very overweight and people have talked about me behind their hands in restaurants. It has been a relief not to be able to go out because of the coronavirus. My wife likes nothing better than fine dining, but I’d much rather eat at home. Once social-distancing restrictions ease, she’ll want to go out again. Then what?

— Fear Being Out, River Heights

Dear Fear Being Out: If you have a few fine-dining restaurants you love, request a table near the door because “you have a leg problem.” All tables are numbered for convenience of the wait staff. Find out the number of your favourite tables in different restaurants, and always phone for a reservations and ask for a favourite table specifically. Planning like this is better for you, as you’re never in the position of having to turn down a booth because it’s too cramped for you, or having to walk all across a dining room with rude people staring at you.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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