It’s not healthy to stay hung up on traumatic affair

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 22/07/2020 (2245 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Riding on the bus today, I saw the love of my life get on and sit near the front — and not look my way once for the whole trip. I noticed he got off one stop before I would need to disembark, for my work. He knows where I work.

I watched, to see his beloved face full-on as he walked past my bus window. He didn’t look up, though I was staring. He seemed sad. He must have seen me when he got on the bus as he glanced back for a place to sit. I am no shrinking violet — lots of red hair and purple clothes on that day. We have had nothing to do with each other (his wish, not mine) since our affair ended so badly.

His wife found out and threatened to kick him out, and have the kids live with her. My guy and her patched it up, but part of the deal was he had to swear he would never see me again “in his entire life.”

We live in the same neighbourhood, for goodness’ sake, so I have run into him a few times shopping and said hello. He has quickly dodged me to get past and out of the store. Even the appearance of his being with me and his wife will be gone.

He wasn’t happy with her when he started having the affair with me. She was constantly harping at him, but her criticism from was balanced by love, encouragement and acceptance from me.

I have tried to meet someone like him online, but no one can compare. He said if he can find me again when he “serves his term” as husband for the next 12 years, he will. You don’t have to tell me that’s too long a time to wait. But I’m…

— Helplessly In Love With Him, Wolseley

Dear Loving Him: If he’d broken up with his wife, and they’d gone to court over custody, he wouldn’t be denied seeing his children over being with you — unless he was a bad father to the children.

He would not be ignorant of those legal facts, so that should tell you something. As hard as it was to part with you, he chose to stay with his wife and be an in-the-home father.

As a single person 100 per cent invested in that love affair, you were in much deeper, and he was your great loss. On the other hand, he could take some comfort in having his kids. You were left alone and lonely.

It naturally would take a longer time for you to heal. In fact, it isn’t over for you yet! But it might be for him. It’s odd that he didn’t even say hello on the bus, unless he was truly preoccupied and didn’t see you on the bus. That’s doubtful since most of us can spot or sniff an old love from 100 metres.

It’s really time to see a psychologist and work this out so you can move on. You need to meet another man who may be somewhat like this man, but available. Your ex-lover may have grown closer to his wife, so he’s dodging you to make sure it stays that way.

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Six months ago I got sick and lost a lot of weight. At first, I looked like a weak, sick wreck but then I started lifting weights and running again, to get healthy.

Unfortunately, I ran into my estranged cousin on a running path coming right for me. We couldn’t get past each other without speaking, so we stopped and talked. In fact, we had a great talk and ended up sitting on the grass chatting and catching up on years of our children growing up, our husbands and other things.

I know she’d like to start being friends again, but the problem is I can’t trust her because she has a stealing problem. She’s a small-scale kleptomaniac who steals small things she thinks no one will notice.

She did it at my house repeatedly, until I caught her red-handed and faced her down. Is there anything possible left for us as friends? I really do like her except for the light fingers.

— Impossible Problem? Charleswood

Dear Problem: You could run together sometimes, and go for coffee afterward. But make sure to meet far from your house so it wouldn’t be natural to go to back to your place.

This is not a perfect solution as the relationship will likely warm, and she’ll invite you to her place or try to come to visit with her family at your house. Perhaps other readers can write in with some ideas to help?

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My nose is out of joint. My mother-in-law is lots of fun and the kids adore her. But lately, my 18-year-old girl has been going over to her place for advice on her private life.

That includes problems with her scary boyfriend, who has been on the wrong side of the law before. It wasn’t for anything violent, but I want her to get rid of him so badly.

I phoned up my mother-in-law and told her that. I asked her what my daughter was coming to her for, and she said it was “a private discussion.” That’s my daughter we’re talking about, not hers! Why doesn’t my daughter talk to me instead?

— Now What? St. Vital

Dear Now What: She’s already heard what you have to say loud and clear. Plus, she knows you’re against her boyfriend. She’s looking for a contradictory opinion from another adult in the family — possibly someone to go to bat for her, and her relationship with this guy.

Maybe he has reformed, and maybe he hasn’t. It’d be worth finding out before passing judgment. Some teens get in trouble when they’re young and straighten out. At least talk to your daughter about that, and show her you’re open for a real conversation, not just preaching.

 

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.