Demonstrative neighbours need to dial it down

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This article was published 28/07/2020 (2210 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I live beside a crazy single neighbour in his 20s who is friendly to our faces, but has parties late into the night. They usually end up with him having loud sex with someone — with the windows open. The sex stuff at night is loud enough that I (a light sleeper) can hear it perfectly. Luckily my kids are deep sleepers.

Mostly I’m annoyed by the after-work sex that starts as soon as he and his girlfriend of the moment get in the house. The kids can clearly hear it, so we have to close up the patio doors and the windows — in a hurry sometimes.

We’ve had some awkward questions from the kids about what is going on next door, and I have had to say things like “No, the man is not really hurting the lady.” I am sick of it! Is there a way I can stop this?

— Furious About Noises, St. James

Dear Furious: When it’s an embarrassing problem like loud sex, it’s better to knock on the door and suggest the solution before getting into the details of the problem. So knock next time you know loverboy is home.

Say to him, guy-to-guy, “I was wondering if you could close your bedroom window at suppertime? My wife’s having a bird because she and the children can hear you and your lady friend having sex while we’re trying to eat at the dinner table.” Before you go, also ask him if he’ll close the window at bedtime.

To leave on a neighbourly note, smile and say, “I appreciate you’re having fun, but if you could turn on the fan and close that window at playtime, my wife and I would be grateful.”

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband was very overweight for most of his life as a kid and young adult. I fell in love with the man inside. A year later, he proposed and we planned a wedding for our families.

Without anyone telling him he had to, he lost a ton of weight for our wedding last year, but 18 months later he’s still obsessed with getting to a perfect size. My sister said it right: “Now he worships the god of fitness!” It seems to come before everything else in his life now. He exercises and lift weights twice a day in our basement and he was running long distance, once daily. This week he started sacrificing our intimate time to “squeeze in an evening run.”

I feel like, under the surface, there may be some other issue for him as he’s starting to pull away. I’m not very fit myself, but I’m not majorly overweight or anything. Does he resent me for this? What do you do in this situation?

Frankly, I miss my fun, fat guy and I wish I had him back.

— Lonely For The Old Him, South Perimeter

Dear Lonely: Resent you for what? Being unhappy because he’s ignoring you for extra fitness bouts he doesn’t need? You may be making the mistake of blaming yourself because it’s the only person you have control of.

Tell your husband you miss the guy you fell in love with, the one who had time to have fun with you and the one who loved you more than all these workouts — up to 25 a week now!

Ask him what he’s afraid of. It’s likely something like losing status now everybody considers him a hero for having lost all that fat and getting so fit.

Commend him for what he did, but let him know he’s gone way past normal fitness, into an overdriven state. That means he’s not much fun as your best friend and love partner.

Ask him to talk to a psychologist about helping him lose the mental taskmaster that sends him into workout mode multiple times a day. He needs to gear down to normal fitness maintenance, so tell him you support that. He spent a lot of years feeling fat and unattractive, and may be terrified of slipping back into obesity.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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