Separate digs will show if relationship is viable

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This article was published 08/08/2020 (2199 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I have a boyfriend who moved in from his parents’ to form a safe COVID-19 bubble with me for the summer. That was our deal. We have gotten along really well, but I don’t want to continue living together afterwards, because it was too soon to be making a life commitment.

The deal was to be together until the early fall and then both of us would have our own places again. Now he wants to keep living together, but I don’t. It’s not that I don’t care for him, but we’re young — in our very early 20s.

I told him yesterday he’ll need to move back to his room in the basement of his parents’ big house, and he said, “Not happening! I’ve loved living with you. So I’ll move out and get roommates instead.”

I know his jock friends! That idea doesn’t sit well with me — drinking, smoking up, girls, all-night parties. I don’t want to lose him, but I don’t want to live like we’re married. I shouldn’t have asked him in the first place. Help!

— Jumped the Gun? Selkirk

Dear Jumped: Your boyfriend’s hurting, and doesn’t want to crawl back to the parents’ house after being shown the door at your apartment — so he’s looking to save face. (Maybe his parents don’t really want him back either.)

He may find some pals to go live with and he’ll have to come up with the money just as he did with you. (Or was he living there free and just buying some of the food?)

Getting him to move out now is better than waiting another few months, if you’re not ready for a long-term commitment. You may find you like/love him a lot more once he’s out of your place, and it will show. But his pride may not be able to take getting moved. It seems you have no other choice, feeling the way you do now.

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: A month of my three kids and me sharing my in-laws’ cabin at the lake was more than enough! I had to sleep on an air mattress the last night I was there because there were so many new guests and I was old news.

My husband came up for the weekend as usual, and I told him I was leaving for home early the next morning early in my car, and taking the little kids with me. He could have the whole air mattress on the floor to himself.

The kids were excited as they are young enough to like the backyard kiddie pool, and they missed the dog and cat.

Did my husband kick up a stink? Oh, yeah! He didn’t drive home until two days after we did. His mother even invited him to stay on a few more days past that, it turns out, but he knew there was trouble brewing at home.

For several years he’s been acting like he could dictate to me while I stayed home with the kids, because he was bringing in all the money. But, I fixed that. Back home in the city I phoned a former boss at my favourite job ever, and he was delighted to take me back half-time in the fall. The fight we had when I told my husband was the biggest ever!

Here’s the problem now: We’re scarcely talking and he says he’s going up to the lake for two more weekends this month to spend time with his extended family, without me and the kids, tenting behind the cabin.

That makes me boil. What kind of marriage is this? I told him I wouldn’t stand for him going up there to drink and party with his brothers and everybody, and he said, “I don’t need your permission! You’re not going to totally ruin my summer, no matter how hard you try!”

How do I get through those two weekends? Because he’s so stubborn, I know he will go. Is this marriage doomed?

— Mother of Three Kids Under Six, St. Vital

Dear Mother: This is not a problem big enough to break up a marriage, but it’s serious and will require a lot of talking and even counselling if you can’t talk without fighting.

As for handling those weekends when he’s away, you might want to invite your own mom and dad to spend some time with you and the grandkids, and help you out. Let them know you’re plenty upset and need them to be supportive.

Moms need a break, too, and you’ll be a lot happier with your mom and dad in the backyard by the kiddie pool watching kids whoop and holler, than you would be all alone.

Part of your husband’s upset is understandable. He’s working hard every week of the summer and is restless. He obviously longs for that particular lake and good times, and having his wife and family there. Maybe he wants to relive the good times when his family’s cabin was the ultimate reunion and party place.

So, let him go alone to the lake, without any more fighting. When it comes out what’s going on, and that his wife and kids are staying home, he may not enjoy being the party boy anymore.

As for the month you spent at the lake without him during the week, he needs to understand it was work — a 24-7 safety watch, living beside the water — and it was a few weeks too long! Maybe his mom and dad got tired of having you there taking up the beds.

It probably sounded like great fun to your husband to have a “whole family” reunion weekend. But, when you add in their families and partying and noise, cooking for big groups, kids not sleeping, and everybody over-tired, it can be too much.

The fact you unexpectedly went home and then arranged to go back to work must have been a shock to your husband. Did you have this secretly percolating in the back of your mind?

It sounds like it’s past time to change the power and money balance between you and your husband, and for you to help with the expenses of a five-person family. If you can get over this hump, maybe next year you and your husband and the kids can afford to take a week off together, at a rental cabin.

 

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.