Sort yourself out before making big commitment

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This article was published 07/08/2020 (2199 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have a boyfriend and a girlfriend. This is understandable, if you are me. I’m bisexual. The problem is I have to make a choice because I love them both.

One of them wants to marry me — actually the woman. She wants us to have a family together. (As you know, there are several ways to do this.)

My boyfriend is a wonderful guy. He thinks my woman friend is just a “modern diversion.”

I feel pressure from both partners. Trying to keep them happy is difficult because I work a lot of hours, and my job in the medical field is very demanding.

I get to see each of them about once a week. The point is, I’m never relaxed and I’m not paying either of them the attention they deserve. I could lose everyone I value, if I don’t watch out. — Pulled in Opposite Directions, Wolseley

Dear Pulled: It doesn’t seem like either of your lovers is batting a thousand, so maybe it’s time to stop worrying about making a more serious marriage-type relationship with anybody right now, or for a couple of years.

Try to explain that to your partners — and your family too — that you need some space, as the work pressure is too much on your brain and body right now. You need to stay healthy in all ways. Don’t be afraid to express what you need.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I started seeing this guy I met online prior to COVID-19, and he lives in a town not far from Winnipeg. I was really falling for him but he never made any mention of taking me to his hometown, to meet his mom.

Yesterday, I got an anonymous call from “a friend” who told me this guy is married and that his wife is close to delivering their second baby! I was mortified, so I called him and told him I knew.

There was a big silence. Then he said quietly, “My wife was having a difficult pregnancy and I didn’t want to bother her (sexually, he obviously meant) so I thought I’d find a girlfriend out of town for a couple of months. Then I wouldn’t be hounding my wife.”

I started raising my voice then, but then he yelled even louder, “But then I started to fall in love with you!” Then I started crying and it seemed, so did he.

He said he wanted to make one last trip to say a real goodbye to me. I relented, but then I started to feel so sorry for his poor wife and made sure I was gone by the time he got here.

He has tried to call me since, but I don’t answer. I’m so upset and disgusted with myself because I still miss him and it hurts, but he’s about to have a baby with his wife. Please help me. — Horrified and Depressed By Being Used, Winnipeg

Dear Horrified: If you have a wise friend or relative with life and love experience, and you can trust that person to keep things private, you might consider talking to them.

What you don’t need is someone who is critical of you, and doesn’t understand your left-over emotions. This was not your fault, and feelings of love don’t go away instantly, especially when you know he has them, too.

You need serious help and probably family and friends will not be enough. The Klinic Crisis Program operates a variety of crisis phone lines and online support services, 24-7 (Klinic, 204-786-8686 or 1-888-322-3019). If you are feeling dangerously low, contact the Manitoba Suicide Prevention and Support Line (1-877-435-7170).

With COVID-19 restrictions now loosening somewhat, some relationship counsellors are available by phone and some are seeing people in their offices.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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