Seek canine compromise to keep things cordial

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This article was published 26/09/2020 (2151 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I love my little puppy to pieces and I have recently met a man who loves his old dog the same way. He’s just started bringing her over to my place, because he said he can’t leave her alone all day, when he’s at work, and all evening too. I get that.

Most dogs get along, but his dog is ancient and cranky, and mine is young and rambunctious. My pup keeps jumping on the old girl’s back — and she hates it. She snarls and snaps at my dog. She just wants to be left in peace to enjoy her old age, and who can blame her?

Last weekend my new man and I had a fight, because he wanted me to lock my puppy in another room when he comes over with his dog. I reluctantly tried it, and she cried piteously for two hours while the big old dog sat with us, happy as can be.

Finally, I told my boyfriend to take his dog and go home. Now he’s sulking and I’m sad. I don’t love him — we are too different and he has admitted that too — but he’s company. I wonder if there are some dog lovers out there who have encountered this problem and know what to do?

I live in a two-bedroom, pet-friendly apartment with my little pup, and my new boyfriend lives on an acreage. These two dogs are never going to get along — it is too far along for the old girl. I guess she will die in a few years, but I don’t like to think that way — shame on me. Please help with this.

— Mother of Young Fur Baby, Downtown Winnipeg 

Dear Mother: This romance was made in COVID-19 times, so it may last longer than it would ordinarily because it’s so hard to meet other people. Still, what right does this man have to ask you to lock your pup whimpering in a room in your own apartment for hours while his dog gets to be alone with you two?

You’ll need to come to a compromise where you see each other without your dogs for dinners and such. Since its seems you’re not heading long-term love, does it really matter if the dogs are not a match? Still, let’s ask the dog people in reader land what they think could be done.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: This a letter for the man calling himself One Foot Out the Door, whose wife is an abusive alcoholic and gambler. (She wants to hang on to him and their teenage daughters, their house and lifestyle. — Miss L.)

You say he should wait two years to leave and go to counselling? I can’t imagine you’d advise a woman to stay in an emotionally abusive marriage such as this. She could spend away the girls’ college fund at this rate, if they have one.

At least recommend Al-Anon (for the friends and family of alcoholics). He needs support and it is readily available online if meetings aren’t happening in person.

You are right that he needs to get more involved with his girls and their plans, and that they can choose where they’d want to live. He needs to discuss how unhappy he is with the girls and see where they’re at, in terms of their mom.

They may be angry at her or they may be protective of her — maybe both. But he needs to start a dialogue about it at the very least, as he is setting them up for marrying an alcoholic if he stays with her and pretends everything is OK.

Leaving her could actually boost their momentum to decide their own path, not lose it, as you state. Love your column, but please recommend Al-Anon or smartrecovery.org more often to those suffering from another’s drinking, gambling or drug use.

— J.C., Manitoba

Dear J.C.: You make some good points, but if dad leaves those teenage girls behind with their abusive alcoholic mother, by their own choice, it’s not a good plan either. The next few years are crucial. If their home life explodes now, the girls might comfort themselves with drugs, mom’s alcohol and/or bad boyfriends.

I agree that Alateen and Al-Anon are good, but this family really needs whole-family counselling as well. In the worst-case scenario, if this couple broke up, the girls might choose to stay with their toxic mother out of love or fear of what she might do to herself. They also may just want to stay in their family home and keep attending the same school.

By the way, dad doesn’t have to leave the home to stop the girls from marrying alcoholics, but he does have to stand up and get all the help he can for every member of the family, including himself.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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