Devil is in details when it comes to kids and divorce

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This article was published 02/11/2020 (2161 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I have two half-grown daughters (grade-school age) who are very attached to their father. He and I are recently separated because one of my trusted friends caught him red-handed with a woman he’d been dating, and he had to confess. I kicked him out as soon as the dirty business came to light.

The girls don’t know this is what broke their parents up. They’re hoping for a reconciliation. They think we must have broken up over something stupid (like their own kid fights) and that we’re both being stubborn like they can be. Their professional liar of a father has them thinking this. He wants back into the nest, as he’s staying at a bachelor buddy’s place and apparently the guy wants him out ASAP.

I doubt this friend is feeling very friendly towards him, as he thinks I’m a great person and has told my husband so many times, including in front of me. Having said that, his buddy is a run-around kind of guy himself — but he’s single, so that’s his right. My mistake was marrying a guy from a fast crowd I thought I could tame.

Let’s be clear right now, Miss L., I’m never inviting that jerk back. He’s broken my heart and risked my health! I don’t want to be married to the creep anymore. Please don’t even go there in your reply.

So, what should I tell the girls? The truth would be very disillusioning and painful, and I’m afraid it could mark them for life.

— Finished With Cheating Husband, east Winnipeg

Dear Finished: You’re finished with daddy, but your girls are not. It sounds like they’re going to have to learn to live with a separation. So, how much detail should you give them? That’s really the problem here. Do you tell your children their father cheated on you? Not a good idea. You could say he started dating other girls and broke his marriage promises to be true to you.

You should really give this a few counselling sessions to work out exactly what the kids will hear. Find someone who has been in this kind of discussion and worked out the least harmful explanation for the young kids. Even if you do tell them the truth, these young kids might say, “Everybody fights sometimes. We are sisters and fight all the time, but we love each other and you tell us to make up.”

When the girls press for what really happened, you can say that dad “stopped acting like a married man, and needs to be single again.” Then you have to tell the kids what life will look like from now on. Say something like this: “Dad and I are going to live separately and be friends, and keep on raising you two great kids.”

Then you need to make that come true. It won’t be easy, but it’s best for everyone, if you can do it.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a decent-looking single guy in need of a place to live. Last weekend I got an offer from two girls who have a place that’s too big for them to afford, now that COVID has hit and they’re both only working part-time.

The price is right and they have a big second- and third-storey suite in a grand old house. They’re offering me the third-floor large bedroom with tiny bathroom under the eaves. What do you think?

— Tempted to Take It, Crescentwood

Dear Tempted: It’s a gamble, for sure. It could be a problem if you don’t like their friends and boyfriends — or it could work out really well, and you’ll like most of their friends and end up as buddies. Here’s the prime deciding factor: Are you attracted to either one of these women? If you are, you have the seeds of trouble sown already. If your honest reaction is “not at all” then it could be a good arrangement. That’s especially possible if you don’t bring girlfriends home much, but mostly go to their places.

It’s the surprise “roommates” you meet up with in the kitchen in the morning that generally make for trouble (and are simply not a good idea during the pandemic). You can’t predict who they will be before you join this household, but if you usually sleep overnight elsewhere with a girlfriend, it simplifies everything for everyone.

To be successful, you need to start to think of these roomies as your sisters, and continue that way, even when you’re going through dry times. If you can behave yourself, and pay your rent and utility bills on time, it’s worth a try.

P.S.: Don’t walk around half-dressed. Female house mates don’t think that’s cute.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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