Seek help before beer breaks up your marriage

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 07/11/2020 (1803 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m scared my wife is going to leave me. I found some packed boxes in the basement with recently worn clothing of hers. She says she’s “just organizing” and packing summer and fall clothes to put in storage. Huh? She never thinks like that, and it’s still late fall.

I know she’s been mad at me for months over my drinking, but I keep telling her to calm down. I’m not an alcoholic, I just like a few beers after work, because my job is stressful. Today I came home and she had piled up beer bottles and cans, and put a sign on them that said “One month’s worth.”

I can’t stop drinking cold turkey. You have to ease into these things. Besides which, what’s a few beers after work? My buddies all do it and some of them go to the pub to do it together. I go home most days.

Tonight, I reached for her in bed and she turned away again, and said, “You always reek of beer.” Big deal! This is the raunchy girl I married, partly because she had a sex drive as strong as mine. Come to think of it, that’s kind of gone too, on both our parts. I guess I should quit, if it means that much to her, but I really don’t want to.

— Love My Beer, St. Boniface

Dear Love My Beer: Your wife — the woman you promised to love for the rest of your life — does not feel as precious as your beer. She’s quietly angry and has lost her desire for you. If you don’t stop drinking your precious beer, she will be gone soon. You have seen the signs she’s packing, and deep down you sense what’s happening. In fact, if you don’t stop drinking and she leaves, you’re going to look back on this day knowing you chose your daily beer habit over your wife.

She didn’t marry a drinking buddy and promise her life to him. Did you know beer doesn’t smell or taste good when it’s second-hand? The burping it encourages is not attractive, and certainly not sexy. Plus, you only have one hand free on the couch as you’re holding the ever-present beer with the other.

You were her love-and-romance choice for life — her mate. Call Alcoholics Anonymous today and at least talk to somebody about how to get help and try to stop this breakup before it actually happens.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: This is really embarrassing. I’m a hairy guy, and we got this three-way mirror on the new medicine cabinet in our house. My wife has a hand mirror she leaves on the top of the toilet now. Well, I was in a kooky mood the other day, and decided to look at myself backward. Big mistake!

I saw two horrifying things — a round bald patch at the top of the back of my head and a pelt of black hair all over the top of my back, like a bear. I always knew I had a little back hair but not that I looked like an animal!

I asked my wife how long it had been there and she said “for a long time.” I said, “Why didn’t you tell me?” and she said it was because she didn’t want to make me feel self-conscious. It was then that I flashed to the beach. I must have been scaring people. Isn’t it your mate’s job to tell you about these personal things you can’t see?

— Hairy Guy, River Heights

Dear Hairy: It depends on your mate. Obviously, these hair issues don’t bother your lady — neither the bald patch nor the hairy back. In fact, some people are turned on by hairy backs, thinking it looks virile, or they groove on the wild-animal idea.

Clearly you don’t like it yourself, and it’s your body, so you can address both issues, now you’ve had a good look. You can buy men’s hair-growth products, containing chemicals like minoxidil, that usually work (until you stop using them). As for your back, some men get waxed (quick remedy, but stings for a few minutes). Others use depilatory products, such as Nair, in the shower; your wife can spread it on, and after a few minutes, you wash off the hair. Some guys just get their mates to shave it off. Easy-peasy!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I ran into a woman I stood up for a date about a year ago. It was our second date. She asked me out, and I wasn’t that hot for her, so I just put it out of mind. She came right up to me in the lobby, where people could hear, and said loudly, “You stood me up, you #$%&!”

I saw people listening, and I was so mad I said, “And I’d do it again!“ Then she slapped me, turned and ran. Good thing, because I don’t know what I would have done next. Why would she create a scene like that in public?

— So Angry, West End

Dear Angry: You created the first scene by letting her wait in a public spot, alone, obviously stood-up. She wanted to confront you, but she did it the wrong way. You answered with an insult guaranteed to escalate the fight. She responded with a slap — and violence is never a good idea! There isn’t going to be a make-up scene in this story. Just stay out of her way if you ever see her again, so you don’t go another round and get yourself in trouble.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

   Read full biography