Brain may have forgiven, but heart holds grudge

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 05/12/2020 (2084 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I can go to bed feeling good and thinking, “This might be the night!” and then, when my husband starts to show signs of wanting to get close and make love, I turn off inside. I don’t mean to, but it just happens. I may even have had a shower and put on lingerie and shown him signs I’m interested in sex. But, the minute he turns on his green light, I stall out.

He had an affair, but after we went to counselling sessions I forgave him, as I realize it was partly my fault for rejecting him all the time. Hey, I was exhausted when the babies were young. But here we go again, with no sex, when the kids are older and sleeping well, and I’m in good shape with some energy.

The light of passion just goes out! He’s just as handsome as ever — even more so, since he’s been trying to win back my love. He’s quit drinking, taken off weight and been working out. But, the minute he reaches for me, I feel like, “Don’t touch me.” It feels creepy and the desire is suddenly gone. What now? I know I’m tempting fate.

— Cold Wife, River Heights

Dear Cold: You may have forgiven him in your mind and reasoned it out, but you don’t want him in your “personal space” where your passion could ignite, and with that, your vulnerability. Once you make love, you may feel you have lost this position of safety you have now, where he wants you so badly, but you aren’t opening up to his advances. This may be the most power you’ve felt for a long time — since his affair came to light, for sure.

Experts say more than 60 per cent of married couples find a way to forgive and continue after an affair, but the one who has been cheated on may carry the pain of the infidelity a lot longer, sometimes forever.

So, as a last try, empathize a little. First, try to imagine how your husband felt being rejected time after time when you two were having babies. While he did cheat, he didn’t leave you and the kids.

Those days are over now, with the kids a bit older, so if you let things happen, it could be a new chance for your marriage. Try to imagine that being really good — if you can. 

It sounds like he’s really tried to please you by quitting drinking and getting fit. If he didn’t love you, he’d probably have been out the door by now. The big question? You have to decide if, deep down, you’d actually prefer him to walk out that door, so you could start fresh and possibly find a new man you could trust.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Prior to the pandemic, I never really noticed (or maybe cared) that my partner was not helpful with household things. We could afford some hired help. With the pandemic, I’m now left to do everything myself. Well, I’ve had it! We both have challenging careers and are both now working from home.

This is the daily scene: We wake up. I make our breakfast, clean the dishes up, go make the bed, throw a load of laundry in the washer and dryer. I run the vacuum around, and then I start my day in the home office. He starts working at 8 a.m. I am finally ready to work at about 10 a.m.

He has no problem calling me in my basement office at 11:30 a.m. to inquire about what I’m making for lunch. Really? I tried to talk with him about sharing the household chores now. His angry response today was, “You’ve had it pretty easy compared to me for 20 years, so deal with it.” By “easy” he meant raising two kids, plus working full time. I’m so upset with his response. Jerk! What to do?

— Not His Mama, Transcona

Dear Not His Mama: Buy all the fixings for multi-layered sandwiches. When he calls you in your office to ask “What’s for lunch?” you tell him: “New deal! All the ingredients for big sandwiches are in the fridge.” Then say a pleasant, ‘Gotta go, darlin.’ I did the morning housework and got a late start, as usual.”

He probably won’t know what to do with that response, except go to the fridge and make a big sandwich. But, he may take off in the car to buy his own lunch, and if he does roar off, ignore that.

If he tries to complain when he comes back, that he had to take time out to go get lunch, just smile at him, and say, “OK. I have to get back to work. My boss is a slavedriver!” (Even if you’re only referring to yourself.) Let us know how that goes.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My next door neighbour is an idiot, lighting up the whole area with his Christmas lights and playing music. I have to close the curtains and shut the bedroom window when I prefer fresh air. I went over, knocked on the door, and asked him to shut his lights and music off by 8 p.m. He said, “Merry Christmas! Now, get off my property.” I said, “I’m calling the police” and he said, “Please do.”

My husband says I’m creating a big fuss over nothing, since I don’t go to bed until midnight, and the police are busy already. But I have my rights, don’t I?

— Peace and Quiet Wanted, Fort Richmond

Dear Peace: A little tolerance would be nice in this difficult 2020 holiday season. There are only a few weeks of it, and families and friends can’t get together like they usually do to celebrate. We’re not talking about wild holiday parties here anyway. People can still have a little enjoyment putting up lights and decorations, and playing some music.

Look, you’re not in your bedroom until late anyway, as your husband pointed out, and it’s cold out now. You can keep the windows shut after dark and the curtains drawn, without your neighbour impinging on your life. How about making some shortbread cookies for him as a sign of good will? Nah, didn’t think you’d go for that!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

   Read full biography