Simmering financial resentment could be stalling mood

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This article was published 04/06/2021 (1892 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Summer is almost here and that means my husband is going to spend all his time with his true love — his freakin’ antique car! OK, things have been tough, and he’s worked his rear end off to keep a roof over our heads. I’ve been a full-time grad student all our marriage (three years) and unable to work, so he works extra time to make up for it.

When he gets home, he does what he wants in the garage. I’d like to sway some of his interest back to me. Last weekend, I tried offering him some kinky sex he’d hinted at before. He just said, “Too little, too late, baby,” and went back to his latest car.

Arguing with him only makes him resent me more. What are my options? I want him to feel appreciated and loved, but I also want that myself. Where do I start?

— Sad and Lonely Grad Student, University of Manitoba

Dear Sad: It’s odd he’s avoiding you 100 per cent of the time. Something’s fishy and it has the scent of long-term resentment. The “too little, too late” statement may be about more than the kinky sex you refused him way-back-when. One of the biggest romance killers is financial resentment.

Other couples work it out so the working mate isn’t carrying the grad student’s costs the whole way through. Your man may have generously offered to do that in the beginning, but it seems he’s really not happy now. It’s time to look for ways you can help pay this education tab, even though it may extend the time. Worst case scenario? Your husband gets so fed up with bearing your financial load, he leaves before you graduate.

But, think about this: If that happened, you’d probably find a way to get the last of your higher education without his help, like asking your parents for a loan, teaching some courses or tutoring students online. How about doing some of that now, since your husband may be closer to the breaking point than you know?

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Our five kids are driving us nuts being home all the time. I admit I’ve been leaning too hard on our two oldest (14 and 16) to the point they started scheming to get out of here. As soon as high school is finished for summer, they have arranged — behind our backs but dependent on our consent — to go to my parents’ farm in southwestern Manitoba.

They are close to their grandparents and have spent parts of summers there before, usually two or three weeks, and one at a time. Now they’re both trying to fly this coop together for two months. My husband thinks it’ll be better for them than home, but I think it’s way too long. And, who’s going to safely babysit the other three when I need to go out? My husband goes to work, but I work at home with the kids.

— Upset Mom, Windsor Park

Dear Upset: Just as you rely on the kids to babysit so you can get out for shopping and a bit of a break, the kids need a break, too. If the older kids do go to visit their grandparents, you will need your husband to help you get out of the house. Maybe he could take a few days off here and there, attached to weekends, rather than a one longer summer holiday.

Two months may be too long for the oldest two to stay away, but four or five weeks might be just about right. You want it long enough that they’re ready to come home and enjoy being home when it’s over. But, there should be a mid-point — about three weeks in — where you have a good talk, and one or both kids can come home if they’re lonely or homesick. This checkpoint should be decided at the outset. It’s not fun having a homesick visitor there, moping around but afraid to say they need to go back to the family.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a gay man, living with a great guy who jumps from job to job and gets really into them. Like, it’s all he can eat, sleep and breathe for six months to a year. Then he suddenly gets bored sick of it and quits. He always gets another job because he’s charming and funny. People just want to be around him.

I feel like we’re on a roller coaster. He obviously likes the adventure of jumping jobs, but every time he quits a job I’m sick with worry he’s not going to get another one soon enough, especially now, during COVID. But he doesn’t seem to worry, and he always has another offer or two! Is it inappropriate for me to confront him about this job-hopping and about calming down?

— Partner of a Job Jumper, Elmwood

Dear Partner: This is a case of the ant and the grasshopper. If you’re going to live happily with this successful grasshopper type, the key for is you to live below your means. Make sure you insist on taking care of the books.

He may always be hopping around in the working world and making money with short spells between jobs. That’s who he is, and it’s obvious you admire him. If you can figure out what you need for housing, food and other necessities, and get him to contribute a higher set amount per month when he’s working than you do, then he can pay less when he’s between jobs, which is always a short time — so far.

Send questions, comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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