Self-confidence should outmuscle misplaced paranoia

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This article was published 02/06/2021 (1893 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: The pandemic has given my wife back to me as a lover. I’m ashamed to say, I’m secretly worried about it being over.

My wife is very attractive and gets hit on all the time. Even when we used to go out as couple, guys used to come right up and hit on her, in front of me. It was frustrating and emasculating. She’s too nice to tell guys to get bent! I’m a smaller guy and kind of step back, but inside I want to kick the guy’s head in for being so bold and rude. My wife thinks I’m overreacting. Of course, she thinks that! Because it feels nice for her to be noticed.

While we have both been working at home through COVID, I’ve been lifting weights and running, and we have developed quite a nice sex life. Sex is much hotter and much more frequent than before.

Of course, that’s because I’m the only guy she has to look at now. Am I being crazy? From an outsider’s perspective, what is right and wrong here? Will she cool off on me when other guys can see her again and go after her?— Paranoid Husband? The Maples

Dear Paranoid: When you were standing at the altar, did you stop the service and say: “Stop! I don’t believe she really loves me because I’m not big and attractive enough?” Of course not! But that’s what you were feeling in the years of marriage that followed. Do you know how unattractive that attitude is?

You need to make a new start. Your insecurity stopped during COVID, and now you need to keep it that way. As for the exercise, keep on pumping weights and running, because in addition to the physical benefits, it has boosted your self-esteem.

Be glad your wife picked you, and you love each other so much you got married. Make her glad she’s with a guy who sees himself as a winner.

When it’s safe to be out and sociable, invite her out on dates, have fun and don’t be afraid of other men looking. If a guy notices her, don’t grab her and quickly lead her away. Your attitude should be confident, because she’s yours.

With new confidence, take your wife to fun places where there will be other men. But never accuse her of thinking other guys are more attractive than you. Having to shore up her man’s weak self-image feels unsexy.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I just moved my boyfriend into my house from his mother’s upscale, big house. Unfortunately, living with this overgrown baby is a whole new experience that has soured my feelings towards him.

He phones his mom on every decision — even when we’re grocery shopping — as if they are still living together. Yesterday I yelled: “Hang up the phone with your mother! I’m the lady of this house!”

It seems I’m living with a six-foot-two boy who hasn’t mentally left his mother. This feels like a threesome with his mother still the boss. I’m ready to…— Pack his Bags and Move Him Home, Birds Hill

Dear Pack His Bags: You sound like his mom! You’re thinking of packing his bags for him to leave? This sounds like a triangle relationship of two mothers and a half-grown son.

This guy you invited to move in with you just changed houses; he didn’t change roles. You didn’t get a new place together, or furnish it as a team. It was just a new abode where you helped him place his clothes and toys.

A fair number of mama’s boys find other nurturing women to baby them. You need to find a guy who’s as strong as you and needs to help make important decisions and share power. He’ll tell you when you’re overstepping your boundaries, and you’ll tell him the same.

You may have a few fights here and there, but you’ll respect him more, and there will be passion in this relationship.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My divorce just got a lot more complicated. We initially split up because of her mental health, but then her lawyer somehow discovered I am “cheating” on her. Yes, I do have a girlfriend.

All the bargaining is now off the table and my recent ex is going for full custody of the kids — just because I cheated. I don’t think that works as an argument for taking the children away from me.

She’s mentally unstable and that’s why I cheated, and told her I want a divorce. Now my life is a whole lot worse than it ever was before. And what about those poor kids of mine? Nobody will listen, because I cheated.— Lost Man, River Heights

Dear Lost Man: It won’t be the first time a judge has seen a parent try to get sole custody to get even with a mate for having a new lover. But, your ex’s mental illness complicates things further. Then there’s the “possible stepmother” factor. How close are you with the other woman? Are you just seeing her or planning to live with her?

Then it’s not just about you having the kids, but the new woman who might be sharing care of the kids with you. You need an excellent divorce lawyer and you may need to be prepared to go to court over sole custody yourself.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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