Approach old flame with brand new attitude

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 13/07/2021 (1856 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I got in a lot of trouble as a young man in my 20s, and finally sobered up when I hit my 30th birthday. I was single and this girl I really wanted told me to forget it, because I had “no prospects.” At first I laughed and bitterly kept repeating those two words, and 24 hours later I had an “out-of-body” experience. Looking down at myself — alone, and throwing up in a toilet once again — I had to agree I was a real loser and had “no prospects.”

Without any help, I quit drinking cold turkey. It was hell. My uncle took notice of my new sobriety, and gave me a job, a place to live for four months, and some new clothes and money to buy groceries. I swore I’d never disappoint that guy — the only one in my family who gave a damn. And I didn’t.

He signed a lease for me and I took it over as soon as I could pay the whole rent. Now I have a good job with his company, plus lots of responsibility.

Here’s the problem: That same girl has come back into my life, but she’s being very careful. I want to ask her for a chance. She seems to lack trust in the new me. Would it be better to find a new girl who didn’t know me when I had “no prospects?” I get the feeling this girl is half expecting me to fall on my face again and start drinking, especially if she gets involved and then decides not to commit to the new me. She’s obviously worried. Should I walk now and hope to start clean with another girl, or should I give it my best, win or lose?

— New Man, Winnipeg

Dear New Man: She cares, or she wouldn’t be back checking you out. You care, too, and now have “real prospects.” If you don’t give this a chance, you may spend a lot of time kicking yourself. Don’t just “ask her for a chance.” You’re a grown man and worth more than that. Don’t demean yourself in front of her. Let her also earn your respect. Have some real conversations about where you’re both headed in life, and make sure she has her own direction now, too.

Whatever you do, don’t hang in there too long if she’s being negative and untrusting, and acting like she’s doing you a big favour by coming back. You are also doing her the favour of a chance with the new you.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a medical doctor writing in regard to “Treated like a Child.” (That’s the angry daughter, age 18, whose dad insisted she take a summer job at his friend’s city office instead of working at the lake, as usual. He was worried about COVID risks, and I sided with Dad. —Miss L.)

In addition to the advice you gave, it’s also important to look at what environment increases the risk of COVID. “Treated“ might be safer in an outdoor environment than an indoor office space, especially if that office involves working in close quarters with limited indoor/outdoor ventilation, and requires sustained contact with many people (a receptionist job, for example). Also, make sure she considers what the mask policy is for the general public and co-workers there.

When she does discuss this with her father, have them look at the circumstances of both jobs: 1) Outdoors or indoors? 2) Contact with the general public, and in what circumstances? 3) Mask policy, especially if indoors? 4) What is the ventilation status of the offices and can the windows be opened?

“Treated’s” outdoor job at the beach may be the safer choice, as long as she’s careful and limits her interactions indoors and in public spaces.

— Dr. Lisa Bryski, Winnipeg

Dear Dr. Bryski: If this is a sensible person, she could actually be safer at the beach with an airy outdoor situation for her workplace, rather than a closed-in office. The other factor worrying Dad will be the summertime cohorts this young woman has worked with at the beach over the years — how chummy, trusting and intimate they might be by now, and how much partying goes on after hours, which loosens careful COVID precautions.

We can’t judge modern youth by our own social behaviour at 18 — many of us were super-excited to get away from the parents and run wild. But these grown kids in 2021 have had a lot more to worry about than we did at that age. They may be less foolish.

Still, there’s the natural exuberance and out-of-town privacy that’s worrisome, especially with nasty coronavirus variants still a threat. Parents, who might otherwise be more liberal, are just plain nervous about having their beloved “kids” out of their sight — and certainly at a distance.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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