Fertility issues don’t rule out parenthood

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 28/08/2021 (1861 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I recently found out I’m unable to get pregnant, and I’m afraid to tell my husband. We’ve been trying for a while now, and every test has come back negative. I recently went to a specialist, and found out it just isn’t going to be possible for me — ever.

My husband wants kids so badly, and so do I, but I fear telling him the truth and then losing him. We’re in our early 30s and he’s a handsome and loving man. I know he’ll be supportive, but having children is a big deal. What should I do? This is the toughest conversation I’ve ever had to have.

— Mom Not Meant to Be? Winnipeg

Dear Not Meant To Be?: If you tell your husband about this while crying our heart out, like it’s the end of your family dream together, what message is he going to get? That everything — your love, your marriage, your dreams of being parents — are all gone and everything is wrecked, because you can’t conceive.

You are meant to be a mom and dad together, but not through your pregnancy. Why does the child have to be genetically yours, or it’s somehow a tragedy? Adoption could be a good answer. If you really want to be loving parents together, you still can be, and you can adopt more than one child, too.

From this point on, your success depends on a positive attitude. The fact you can’t conceive isn’t a fault; it’s just a fact. You should know men are a lot less attached to the “romance” of nine months of pregnancy than women are, and they usually don’t need a pregnancy to make them feel paternal when that little one arrives in their arms. You picked a loving man, who wants to have children with you, so don’t make this into an unnecessary tragedy.

Tell him, of course, and cry it out. Then start looking into adoption, as soon as you’re ready. If you need counselling help to adjust, ask for a few sessions alone where you can let out all your emotions, including anger and fear. After you work out those issues, get your husband to join you for some sessions.

He might also want to have a few private meetings with the counsellor, too — to talk about his feelings and how best to deal with you and your disappointment.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Everybody needs some time alone, but I don’t get it! My wife works from our home and I haven’t had any time to myself for what feels like two years, thanks to COVID. When I get home from work, she is there. When I fall asleep and wake up, she’s still there. She works from home, and just sits on her laptop or phone all day, and binge-watches TV all night.

I wouldn’t even mind that if I had some time to myself for a while each day, but it feels like I never do. It has led to a lot of new, recurring fights on this issue. Any suggestions? I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want alone time when living with a person.

— Never a Moment to Myself! Silver Heights

Dear Never a Moment: As you’re well aware, it’s your wife’s only home, too, and you can’t kick her out when you want time alone. But, you do have a house, not an apartment! You could build a man cave in your basement or your garage. If you create a room in part of your basement, you could just close that door. If you don’t, it’s still part of the free flow of the house and your wife can come in any time she pleases.

On the other hand, if you add an addition to the garage and insulate it, your buddies might drop in and you still won’t be alone all the time, but your wife isn’t likely to want to visit you much out there, and that’s the whole point, isn’t it? A little privacy.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m an older man, and I’m only attracted to women 20 years younger than me. I know society won’t love that fact, but in my case it is true. The problem is I don’t have a bunch of money.

I see lots of men my age with younger women, but they are all well-to-do. Is that really what it is about — money? What’s wrong with me? Though I’m not wealthy, I’m definitely sexually healthy.

— Still Got It, Southdale

Dear Still Got It: You don’t mention how old you are — or if you already have a family with a woman, and are separated, divorced or widowed. My guess is you’d love to have a younger girlfriend who’s sexually active, but may not want a family.

You may be able to attract such a woman — if you’re young-looking for your age, well-built, adventurous and have enough money to show share a happy time outside the bedroom. You need something to offer, as you’re not offering youth to match hers or a future family life with kids, unless you can find a younger career woman who definitely doesn’t want the domestic scene.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

   Read full biography