Straying sister’s situation could be complex

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This article was published 15/10/2021 (1813 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I found out my sister is having an affair. Of course, it’s none of my business. I don’t care about her jerk husband, as he’s been cheating on her for years. She’s worth 10 of him.

I don’t know who her lover is, but she’s a wonderful woman. She’s as good at her profession as she is at being a wife and mother. She cooks like a professional chef, bakes, decorates the house for every event and throws great parties. There’s nothing that woman can’t do.

On the other hand, all her husband has is his money and looks. There’s no denying he’s physically hot for a guy pushing 40.

My question: As her big sister, what should I do? If I found out about the affair through a friend of mine, other people probably must know already.

Should I offer her my support now, in case things blow sky high? Should I research a good divorce lawyer, give her some money for a legal retainer, and suggest she see the lawyer right now for a consult — before she breaks up with that prize idiot?

She’s not a loose, two-timing woman, so this new guy must be very special.

— Her Loving Sister, Winnipeg

Dear Loving Sister: The hardest thing for you to do now is to keep your cool and stop making plans for your sister. This may be odd for you to think about — but your sister may be seeing this new guy as a friend and/or just as sex toy.

Maybe she’s trying to make her husband jealous and hopes he finds out. She may have decided to hang in there “for the kids.”

You can’t stand your brother-in-law, but there’s a chance she’s still in love with the guy.

Your role is to tell her that news of her affair is out, and who told you. Don’t push, but casually offer your help.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I ran into my old live-in girlfriend, literally. Fender-bender! She laughed when she saw who it was, because I used to criticize how she drove, particularly how badly she parked.

Come to think of it, I criticized her over a lot of things. I was always trying to bring her down to my size — five-foot-six. Could be the short-man complex, I know. Driving fast cars and running my business were the only things I was good at.

“Well, well, we meet again!” she said, as she looked at her fender, and laughed that joyful laugh I first fell in love with.

Instead of berating her, like I used to do when I thought I owned her, I said, “Sorry about that — all my fault!” and before I could catch myself, I added: “Want to go for lunch and catch up?”

She said, “No. My husband is very good-natured, but not about old boyfriends.” Then she smiled that devastating smile I’d taken away by being the dominant big shot.

Suddenly I felt sick. I remembered how I really loved her, and threw it all away. We exchanged accident information, and that was that. What an idiot I was to lose her!

Now I’m married to a submissive woman who puts up with my critical nonsense and says, “Yes dear, you’re right.”

I just want to tell the overly critical people out there the one thing I learned today: Don’t get rid of people who won’t agree with your every word.

Now what do I do? My wife used to laugh and smile, but I’ve been a lousy, critical husband.

— Mr. Know it All, Sage Creek

Dear Know It All: It’s upsetting when you finally see a nasty pattern in yourself — and what you’ve lost because of it.

This accident was your fateful wake-up call in life. Don’t try to forget about it! It’s time to see a psychologist or psychiatrist to explore your issues and how to get over them. Then ask your wife to join you for sessions — and see it she wants to go on her own as well.

Consciously work on helping to repair your wife’s confidence. You’ll actually enjoy being a nicer guy and putting the smile back on her face, if you can. In the end, nice guys generally have happier, longer-lasting relationships, so the effort is really worth it.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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