Work through your grief to connect again

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This article was published 19/10/2021 (1761 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Sadly, my relationship was past its ‘best before’ date, and I didn’t let my new man go, when I should have.

Last weekend he asked me to marry him. All I could tell him was, “I’ll have to think about it.”

He said: “If you have to think about it after a year of saying you love me, then it’s over!” Tears were forming in his eyes, and he turned and walked away from me, shoulders hunched, looking broken.

I feel cold admitting I didn’t cry, because it was the right decision for me.

I didn’t love the workaholic part of him, the money obsession, the lack of hearts-and-flowers romance I had with my deceased husband. I only loved half of this man. I’d need the whole package to marry again.

So why didn’t I let go of him sooner? I’m ashamed to say, I was desperately lonely, and only thinking of myself. Friends and family couldn’t fill that emptiness. I really needed another man.

Last night he sent me a photo of the ring he was going to present to me. It was magnificent, and his text said: “That’s how much I loved you.” I feel like such a wretch for hurting him.

— Guilty Widow, River Heights

Dear Guilty Widow: Tough-seeming workaholics can love just as hard as the hearts-and-flowers guys do, but it doesn’t translate for a romantic-type woman like you.

The time has come to get professional help now, to finally close the wound left when your husband died. You managed to stop the “bleeding” with a human bandage — a man who obviously cared a lot for you.

When he finally showed you the depth of his love with a proposal, you couldn’t match it.

Now you must take yourself in for repairs so you can love again. Look for a bereavement counsellor to take you through the stages of grief you tried to avoid with a hasty new relationship.

You might also see a psychologist to talk about the guilt you feel over this man you hurt, your assorted fears, the loneliness pitfall and what you should be looking for now to rebuild your personal life and friend base.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: “The heart is a fool when acting without the brain,” my old dad used to say. Right. And here I go! I have just met someone who really blows me away — what a beautiful woman inside and out. I just hired her, after a lengthy interview.

She’s single and so am I, but I know it isn’t cool to hit on her. But what if she hits on me? That would be an employee hitting on the boss, not so bad as the other way around, right?

Got any advice? By the way, we are both in our 20s in the food-service industry.

— Falling for Her Fast, Winnipeg

Dear Falling Fast: Workplace relationships these days are tricky. What you don’t want to do under any circumstances is make this woman feel uncomfortable at work.

Don’t make it obvious that you have a thing for her, but be friendly and fun (no real flirting). Invite her as part of the gang when other staff go out after work, but that’s it.

You might actually want to fight your crush on her altogether while she still works at your restaurant. If she does have a thing for you, let it be totally on her to chase you. But, if she ever moves to work at another restaurant, go for it!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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