Style ‘assessment’ from loved ones can sting

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This article was published 17/10/2021 (1811 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I feel for the fellow who was so hurt when his wife called him a biker “wannabe” after he bought a black leather jacket. People don’t realize how much their words can sting, especially to someone who is less confident.

I bought a red leather jacket years ago, trying to spruce up my style. I’d been a widow for years. I was told by many how nice it looked, but then my son said to me, “You look like Michael Jackson.” Well, that was it! I couldn’t bring myself to wear it again. It sat in my closet for years until I finally donated it to the Salvation Army.

I know we should have thicker skin, and people should think before they speak, but they don’t always. It’s too easy just to speak off the cuff — especially to someone you’re close to. We all have to be so careful of what we say in public nowadays and it becomes a strain. I think, unless that black leather jacket has Sons of Anarchy stencilled on the back, he should keep it and wear it when he goes out without her. At least it’s not red!

— Been There, Winnipeg

Dear Been There: I’m sorry your son mocked your new jacket and made you feel too self-conscious to wear it anymore. Family members too often think they have the privilege to insult and embarrass one another’s clothing choices. Not so! It can hurt worse coming from a smirking family member than from somebody who doesn’t matter.

How often have all of us critiqued a kid’s clothing when they’d already chosen to put the item on and weren’t looking for a blunt judgment. Your son might have been more tactful with people outside his family. You really need to talk to him about that someday for his sake and yours, as you’re still carrying that hurt.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My young wife went away for a weekend with “the girls” and I was fine with that. Then I ran into one of them and asked her about the girls’ weekend. And she said, “What weekend?” I said, “Last weekend with the girlfriends! You were there, weren’t you?” Then her face went red, and she started to stutter.

I said: “So, there wasn’t a girls weekend that my wife went to, was there?” and she said, “Uhhh, maybe she went away with some other girls.” My wife has no other close girlfriends!

As I drove away in my car, I saw her dialing her phone — no doubt to my wife. When I got home only 30 minutes later, she was gone and half the hangers in her closet were bare. I phoned her and she said, all in a rush, “I’m staying at my parents’. I know about your girlfriend this summer. I’m through with you, and your bad temper is scary. Don’t come here and don’t call me, or I’ll call the cops.”

OK, I admit, I have something going on with a woman, so I’m caught too. And yes, I have a temper and tend to yell very loudly, but I never touched my wife. I need to talk to her, dammit! What should I do now?

— Hands Tied? St. Boniface

Dear Hands Tied: Since this marriage is over for your wife, and you have another woman, just call a divorce lawyer and leave your wife alone. Don’t harass her by phone, bang on her parents’ door or park your car down the street so you can follow her.

When things simmer down, you might be able to go for a talk with a counselllor as a referee and adviser, or meet with the counsellor online. Still, it sounds like this marriage is doomed and it’s a good thing for both of you.

It’d be helpful for working out a settlement if you could learn to talk civilly with your wife and her lawyer. Yelling won’t get you a good deal.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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