Actively pursue playmate with similar goals

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This article was published 18/10/2021 (1811 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhears: I met a younger man (by eight years) this summer, and I’m 31. I didn’t know he was that much younger because he’s worked outdoors since he was 18. At 23, his skin is weathered and he’s balding, so he looks about five years older.

OK, I knew he was younger, but I really liked him and he was funny and handsome to me. I’m an athlete and outdoor person and met him running at the beach early one morning, before his work.

We ended up sitting down and talking one day at the trail’s end, and that’s how the romance started.

The age difference didn’t seem to matter. But, when I mentioned wanting children some day, he said, “You haven’t got much time. You’re going to have to find somebody fast.” Obviously, he didn’t mean him.

After a summer of the most wonderful lovemaking I’ve ever known — not to mention running, laughing, bicycling and talking into the night — I knew there was no hope as a long-term couple, in his mind.

I packed up my summer cottage rental and went back to the city and my apartment, and got back to teaching. He seemed heartbroken, but was still not planning on dropping his youthful freedom early.

I’m still hurting over him too, and it’s mid-October. I don’t want to give up my dreams of a family, but I have no man in my life. I know my younger man craves me, and he’d come back, but not permanently. Should I take him back, knowing it’s for a few years and he’s still going to be too young to want the family I dream of with him?

— Missing Him Badly, Winnipeg

Dear Missing Him Badly: You already know that going back to him would be temporary and a waste of your precious time. It’d hurt both your hearts to break up twice. Be sure to tell him that a family with him would be what you’d require to get back together. Not happening? What you can do instead is make a goal of meeting someone through your active pursuits who is at the same stage of life as you are — wanting a first (or, if he’s divorced, a second) family with you.

You could look to get involved with mixed running groups, curling, tennis, dodgeball, Ultimate Frisbee, golf, baseball — sign up for way too much and cut back later. This is a plan to find you a winner!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m so mad I could scream! But there’s no one to hear it. I thought my brother was a good guy and just down on his luck for a bit when I let him move in with me.

He was very spoiled by my parents and they had high hopes for him career-wise. The truth is he’s been nothing but a bum since he left high school — taking odd jobs, barely working for longer stretches, and finally getting kicked out of the family home.

He came to me Aug. 1 with this big story about how he was going to change and grow up, so I gave him the basement of my small house for rent of $200 a month. He got a job and paid me on time for two months.

I kept on his case about looking into going to college or university and getting a career happening. He told me I sounded like my mother — a big nag! This morning he left me a note saying he was moving and that he’d “borrowed $200” from my money stash under the sofa. How did he find that money? He must have been searching!

I phoned him and I demanded my money back! He said he’d already used it to pay for his part of the rent with his buddies. I phoned my mother and she sympathized, but had no advice. Is it a waste of time to go after my money from this loser? Is this a $200 lesson I have to learn about being a sucker? Will I ever see my brother again?

— Sick About Him and the Money, Transcona

Dear Sick: Phone him and ask: “Are you really willing to lose me — your sister — for $200?” Maybe he’ll pay you back next paycheque, if you keep at him. Call twice a week at different times of the day and night just to chat, and quietly remind him.

If you decide not to pursue it, it will make it harder, if not impossible, for you to forgive him; he may lose a sister.

He’ll probably tell you he can’t pay you more than $50 right now. Take it! Then decide if it’s worth the hassle to pursue the debt $50 at a time. It’d be a good lesson, but it might be hard on you to keep begging and cajoling.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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