Passive split strategy only compounds things

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This article was published 22/10/2021 (1758 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I desperately want out of my relationship, but I can’t bring myself to break it off. I’m a guy who hates hurting people, and I avoid it every way I can. The build-up to breaking up is so intense, I sometimes feel my heart beating like crazy, and my brain can’t make my lips form the words.

I wish my partner would do something outwardly rude or awful to make it easier. It just doesn’t feel right anymore. Things were great at the start, and then I started to notice she was hiding a lot of things — like her lack of anger control, rudeness to retail and customer service workers, and a crappy attitude towards my hobbies.

I don’t see myself staying with her for the rest of my life and I need out. I just don’t know how to start the conversation without coming off like a jerk. I’m getting so anxious. She’s bugging me to move in with her. I can’t imagine a worse idea.

— Help Needed Now, St. James

Dear Help Now: Your own anxiety will start to ease once you have an honest talk and break up. Don’t wait for the best time because there is no best time. You won’t come off as anything but a jerk in her mind, so just wade in. Do this in a private place — preferably her place or in your car outside her place — so you don’t have to drive her home afterwards with another fight likely in the cards.

The three things you noted that bother you should come out at the beginning. If you start with, “We need to break up” she may ignite and start shouting you down.

What to do when she cries? Don’t take her in your arms! Pat her arm and say, “I’m sorry I made you cry but I had to tell you why I can’t go any further and need to break up now.” Make no mistake, it’s going to be ugly with a fiery woman like this, but that gives you an excuse to get going and eliminates the possibility of staying around to hash it over.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a homemaker and my friends treat me like I’m stupid because of it. I just know it. I chose to stay home with my tiny kids, as my husband has a great job and supports us with an incredible life.

We are definitely doing well, but my old friends from high school and university all have professional jobs now. I found out they often don’t tell me when they’re going out. When they have come over, some of them make rude comments and play it off like they’re just joking.

I feel like these people aren’t my friends anymore, but I don’t have any others. What do I do, cut them off? That seems like an over-reaction and I need friends. Please help.

— Proud to be a Mom, River Heights

Dear Proud: Cut the real meanies of this old group out — the snarkiest ones. No great loss! You won’t miss each other. They are already “former friends” now, as they’re actually hurting you and trying to make you feel like a dud. Certainly cut out the ones who have been out together repeatedly and didn’t invite you.

You don’t need to get rid of all your old friends, but you do need to make an effort to add some married-with-children friends. Since COVID-19 is lingering, this isn’t the best time to be going out to party with the girls anyway, but if you and your husband are vaccinated, you could have another safe couple and their little kids over for dinners and playtime. Your husband could help do some scouting for fun new friends with children around the age of your little ones.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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