Tell ma you’ve cleaned up act, but don’t push

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 24/12/2021 (1409 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I need to know if I should call my mother, who kicked me out of the house two years ago over “bad drugs.” I wouldn’t presume to just drop in on the family, but I’m tempted to phone Mom on Christmas Day. I’ve secretly talked to Grandma who lives with them and has a cell.

I won’t lie and say I never touch drugs now, but only marijuana and nothing else. I went and got clean many months after Mom kicked me out on the street and I hit rock bottom. I have a full-time job now — not exciting work but I actually like it and it supports me.

Mom had said I was a bad influence for the younger kids, and she thought it was “too late” to save me. That cut deep. Speaking of saved, the younger kids belong to the church and are good kids, Grandma says. Should I call, or am I still too bad an influence? I’m wondering what time of the day would be best to get a good reaction?

— Black Sheep, Osborne Village

Dear Black Sheep: When in doubt, follow your heart and take a chance. Although your mother kicked you out, deep down I’m betting she still cares, and would be relieved to know you kicked the hard drugs and are not lost and on the streets. She’ll be missing you — certainly the young son she knew.

If your family opens gifts Christmas morning, call around noon when the family is gathered for lunch. You might want to call Grandma on her cell first, and ask if it’s a good time. Ask Grandma to hand the phone to your mother.

Say “Hi, Mom. I wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas.” Quickly tell her you’re doing well health-wise, off the drugs and working. Ask how she’s doing, and about the kids individually. Just saying “Hi, it’s me!” isn’t enough to get a conversation going, and she might be in shock. Show her you’re not so self-involved anymore, but don’t ask to come over. Let her ask (or not) — and be OK with her answer. Consider this first conversation breaking the ice, and a Christmas gift to yourself.

Don’t ask her if you can call once in a while, and invite possible disappointment. Keep it light and sweet, with your aim being for you both to walk away from the call, happier. Let her process this call, and don’t push. It’s your first time reaching out, and it won’t be the last.

P.S.: You’ll be in a stronger position with Mom, and with regard to visiting the house and your siblings, when you can truthfully tell her you’re not getting high anymore, not even marijuana. Casual drug use is definitely better, but not good enough for a mom who has been through the trauma of losing a son to drugs.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Last year I proposed on Christmas Eve to my girlfriend who was turning 30, and we were engaged for six difficult months. Her pushy side came out immediately. She wanted much more than the diamond ring, and she wanted everything ASAP! The thing is, she wants babies and thinks she’s getting old.

She started quickly planning a big wedding her wealthy family would pay for, plus she told me how many children we’d have, where we’d live (near her parents; she’s a daddy’s girl) and where she wanted my career to go. In the end, I was having panic attacks. I backed out and she and her parents freaked. I had to leave their enraged daughter to save my own sanity and they thought I was dirt under their feet.

In November, my ex started contacting me again “as friends.” I started feeling really nervous. She said she really missed the “fun“ we used to have. Last night she came over. She was wearing a tight red dance leotard thing, and red lipstick “for Christmas.” She’d already had quite a few drinks, and she apologized for last year.

It was all I could do to keep my head on straight, and gently show her out. Now I’m wondering if I made a mistake. Although I lost my deep love for her, she never fell out of love for me, she said — and I have the COVID lonely blues. Was I a fool to escort her out?

— Showed Her the Door, North Kildonan

Dear Showed: You followed your kindest instinct, which was the right thing to do. Getting intimate with your ex-fiancée would have been wrong. You know you don’t want to get married to her. A fling might have devastated her afterwards, and set you off on another round of guilt and panic. You did the best thing for both of you. Here’s to more healing and new loves that better fit both of you. Merry Christmas!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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