Hang up on feuding parents’ blame games

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This article was published 06/02/2022 (1654 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m sick and tired of listening to my parents pulling me in different directions. They’re recently divorced and constantly phoning me to say terrible things about each other. They’re both immature people, and I’ve known that since I was a young teenager, but I love them both.

How can I get them to listen to me when I tell them not to rip each other up? They’re lonely during COVID, and always phoning me now they don’t have each other to fight with. I think they miss the endless cycles of squabbling and blaming.

When I try to set boundaries, they stop whatever they’re saying and claim they hear me. Yet, the next time we talk, they go right into how the other one is so awful. I have to remind them again that I don’t want to be the divorce judge. What do you suggest?

— Grown Son in the Middle, Fort Garry

Dear Grown: The phone trick to employ is the “Uh-oh, gotta go” technique. The minute one starts in criticizing, invent a clearly phoney excuse like “The water’s boiling!” or “There’s the doorbell!,” then drop a quick “Uh-oh, gotta go!” and hang up.

It’ll take a little while for your folks to catch on that you’ll no longer listen to complaints, but you can train them.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I ran into my birth mother in my local pharmacy, and she wanted me to go for coffee with her. I have no respect for her, so I begged off with “not during COVID” and ran out to my car. I broke into tears. I know exactly how she dumped me as a baby, and it was ugly. I finally met her a few years ago. We had that talk when I met her.

Now she wants me to “forgive and forget,” as if I even care that much. I love my adoptive parents because they really cared for me and brought me up with love.

This woman lives in my part of the city now. Yikes! I wonder if I should move. I feel like a sitting duck.

— Looking Over my Shoulder, Transcona

Dear Looking: You don’t need to move! But you may need to close the connection with your birth mother, for your own peace of mind.

That means taking action. Tell her in the easiest way for you — even if it’s by old-fashioned mail — that you’re glad you met her, as you’d always wondered about your birth mother. But now that’s happened, you’re not interested in further contact, and wish her well.

She may be hurt, or a little disappointed — or not even care that much. After all, she didn’t call you to meet her; she ran into you in a store. So, she may also feel awkward pursuing any kind of relationship.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m crazy about a total opposite, and I keep telling myself it’s only a sexual thing, but I can’t get over it. She is gorgeous, full of tattoos (even a few face tats), parties much harder than I do and seems to have a thing for me as well.

We hang out lots, but her guy friends are too much for me. They’re intimidating guys who look like they probably have criminal records. I know that sounds judgmental, but that’s what I worry about when I’m around them. I know we don’t have a future as a couple, because I’m just so different. Yet, the attraction is so strong, I just can’t say no to her.

What do I do? Do I just roll with it or let her go before I get too far in?

—Quiet Guy, North Kildonan

Dear Quiet Guy: People reveal lots by the company they keep. What you and your new girlfriend seem to be missing are deep conversations where you could find out about her life — her values, her philosophy about life, her goals, her tats and what they mean, as well as more info about the friends she keeps. Don’t make any hasty decisions before you find out what’s going on. Appearances tell a lot, but they can be deceiving.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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