Son’s aggro turn could signal inner turmoil

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This article was published 07/02/2022 (1370 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My son’s getting into a lot of useless confrontations with people lately — his mom, his brother, even his best friend. I can’t tell if it’s just hormones, or if something is really bothering him. He’s 15 and normally a pretty even-tempered kid, but lately he’s different, and it’s disturbing.

It’s a tough age for some kids, so I’ve tried to approach him, but he just brushes me off. I want to push further, but I don’t want to alienate him either. What should I do?

— Dad Kept Out, St. Vital

Dear Dad: Since your former nice-guy son keeps on having these useless confrontations at home where it’s safe, it’s likely the real problems originate elsewhere. He needs intervention from the parent he is closest to. Leaving a kid alone who’s acting out is the wrong way to go.

If you’re the right parent to do it, start by saying, “I notice you’re not your usual, easygoing self. I know it’s not easy being 15. What are some things going on in your life that are irritating you?”

Then, stop. Wait long enough for him to start talking, and pretend you’re a patient school counsellor, not an emotional dad.

If he tries to get rid of you again, say: “I care too much to let you brush me off this time.”

You may have to play a bit of a guessing game with him, watching his face as you offer up some possibilities. You could ask him if he’s having issues with a range of things — COVID limitations, school, friends, alcohol or drugs, gambling, depression or a relationship.

When you hit on the right trigger, he’ll most likely react in some way. Then you can pursue that avenue of discussion, if he’s willing.

He might even be questioning his sexuality, in which case he probably won’t talk to you — the male role model in the house. He’s more likely to talk to Mom, if anyone.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m best friends with someone I recently learned is more than comfortable yelling at her partner in front of people. I’d never seen this side of her before.

I was over at her house recently and she was soooo rude — almost scary — to her boyfriend. They live together as of a few months ago. I was just in shock!

After she yelled at him, I said I had to go, and just left. They aren’t married or anything, but I felt so bad for him. I wanted to tell him he deserved better.

What do I say to her? I’ve known her since high school. It feels like there’s an awkwardness now; we have barely talked since.

— Embarrassed for Her, Osborne Village

Dear Embarrassed: Some women think they can’t possibly be abusers, no matter what they do. Give this young woman a call and tell her, in no uncertain terms, the reason you left was the verbal abuse she meted out to her boyfriend. Tell her how shocked you were, and how damaging her words were to her guy. Strongly advise her to seek professional counselling.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My boss owns the business I work at and drinks at his desk. He smells like candy because he’s continually sucking them to cover up the smell of liquor. We all know what’s up; it’s a small operation.

A few weeks ago, he needed a big guy to do a big shipping job, so I volunteered. After everyone left, he took a bottle out and offered me an “after-work drink.”

I said, “No thanks. I’m allergic to the stuff.” He laughed and said, “Wish I had that problem.”

I like the man and the job, and don’t want to lose either by being a party pooper. Should I have had a little drink? I can’t afford to lose this job.

— Uneasy Worker, Winnipeg

Dear Uneasy: You did exactly the right thing. Your boss really needed the drink, so felt he had to let you in on his secret, or he couldn’t imbibe. You made it OK for him to have his after-work drink, but didn’t compromise yourself by drinking with him. He laughed, so clearly he wasn’t upset with you. If he asks you to work again, he’ll expect you to say no to the drink, with the same excuse. Don’t disappoint him.

Contact lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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